


Book of Tears

by jade_lil



Series: Book of Tears [1]
Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, Arashi - Freeform, Breaking Up & Making Up, Fanfiction, M/M, Ohmiya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-01-12 06:00:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 40,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1182729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jade_lil/pseuds/jade_lil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One year after their break up, Ohno found something of Nino’s that would make him want to revisit the past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue + Volume 1 : The Day After

**Author's Note:**

> Reposting from my LJ.

_“My reflection overlaps in the car window with you who are smiling next to me_

_You're this close to my side and yet I can't touch you_

_The melody that plays from the stereo now is just sad to me_

_I wish I could make you only mine”_

_TWO – Ohno Satoshi_

 

{ **Prologue** } 

Looking back, he didn’t think he would ever entertain the idea of doing things all over again – second chances, getting back together and the likes; no, because as far as he was concerned, they were both fairing well being apart, maybe as better as they could have been when they were still together. 

It wasn’t like they stopped being _‘them’_ when they broke up, and Ohno knew well that it would take more than a failed attempt at life (and at relationship) to tear them apart for real (what with the fact that they’re Arashi, and as it always has been, Arashi came first), since that’d be highly impossible. But Ohno knew well that there were still a lot of those un-tackled aspects they have yet to bring out, topics they ought to have just buried into the back of their minds without meaning to, and Ohno knew that if they were going to really end it like they said they would, then they would have to sit down and have a talk one day – a closure the both of them needed just to make sure that nothing’s going to be left behind. 

A year was probably too long for either of them, but Ohno guessed he could just blame it to the fact that they were both busy – with work and with other things, of course. Nino had been offered twice to work on an overseas project, and he’d been going here and there for the past couple of months that the rest of them had started missing Nino’s presence even without either of them saying it out loud. 

To say that he missed Nino terribly was an understatement, but since they weren’t together anymore, he wisely didn’t breathe a word about it. It’s awful to feel this way, and Ohno knew he would be chastised until next year if he ever dared say anything so he didn’t, most especially because Nino wouldn’t either. 

Ohno couldn’t say that he didn’t miss it – those things he and Nino shared when they were together; well, they weren’t actually different from how they were before when they decided to live together, since being _together_ was actually the one thing they’ve been doing for the past decade – whether they were in a relationship or not – but Ohno knew something was amiss. 

He and Nino had decided on this – breaking up – on the grounds that it wasn’t working out anymore; Nino suggested it and he guessed there was no helping it when it was Nino who said that things weren’t like they were anymore. He remembered feeling like his head was floating, like everything was muted saved from the words Nino was saying, and the memory of him agreeing and taking Nino’s hand when Nino offered it, before Nino actually stepped forward and hugged him tight enough to hurt. 

Afterwards, Nino had told him that he could help him pack by the end of the week to get his stuffs back, but that he had to wait for Nino to help him since he really didn’t know which things belonged to him and that it would be hard doing the packing alone knowing how slow he was at it. 

If Ohno was going to be really honest about it, he didn’t think he was ready to let Nino go then as much as Nino thought they both were – or maybe he was, he maybe just wasn’t aware about it, but since Nino could read him better than he could read himself, that maybe true, maybe. 

But as he scanned the pile of books he found sitting at Nino’s study table exactly the same time he let himself in (using the key to Nino’s apartment that either of them forgot he still had), he couldn’t help but think that maybe he was wrong – maybe, _they_ were both wrong.

 

**Volume 1 : The day after**

 

He’d have to give himself a lot of credit for actually remembering that day clearly, since he’d known himself enough to know the extent of his memory when it mattered and that day had probably gone right into the top of his most memorable list (a list which included most of the moments he had with Arashi and with Nino). He remembered being asked how he was when he walked in that morning for work, gaze shifting around to locate Nino’s familiar slouch on the sofa and finding no one except Aiba who was then laying face first into the sofa cushions.

He remembered feeling lost – the awful feeling of last night coming back in dizzying waves as he realized he was being addressed quite loudly by Sho and Jun; he didn’t know how to describe the feeling, but he knew then that it came close to what he felt when his grandmother died – only more intense, more painful.

He remembered wanting to crawl himself into a hole and stay there for the rest of eternity, if only to stop the pain, if only to make sure he wouldn’t give in to the need of reaching out to Nino without actually realizing that he’s doing it. 

And now somehow, he wished he had allowed himself to act the way no one probably expected him to act then – not him, not his bandmates, and most especially not Nino – because if he had, then things would have probably been a lot different. 

Especially now that he had the opportunity to look deeper into Nino’s thoughts the way he wished he should have been able to a year ago. 

_Hi, Ohchan._

_You were almost late and I thought I saw you wearing that old shirt – the one Nakai-san gave you – the one I told you never to wear because you look like that poor, old man we once saw sleeping under the broken bridge when we took a walk that evening after our Yokohama tour, heh. But, well, okay, you still look way sexier than that old man, no matter what you wear so I think its okay._

_How are you? Were you able to sleep perfectly last night? Because I didn’t, and I wanted to tell you that exactly this morning but I had to stop myself short when I realized I’m no longer allowed to whine at you since, well, we already broke up. It’s funny, the way I almost followed you, grabbed you, stopped you from leaving after I told you to – because I don’t know how you did it, looking at me like you’ve only been waiting for me to say the words – then you’re gone._

_I want to know how you managed to smile at me like that when I came in after you, like nothing happened, like we weren’t all over each other before today. So I had to make sure I’m acting the part the same way you’re doing yours even when it’s practically tearing me in half knowing that I couldn’t rest my head on your shoulder the way I used to – that I couldn’t kiss you no matter how much I wanted to when no one is looking because I don’t have the right to do it anymore than you do._

_It’s pathetic because I feel miserable and it’s only been a day, while I can see how better you’re faring without me._

_But I guess I should be fine with all of these because I was the one who proposed this, but maybe, seeing you laugh with the others while I watch, seeing you do the things you used to do without bothering looking around to check how I’m doing half the time you were obviously having fun without the usual bother that is me hanging all over you, pains me more than it should._

_And it hurts, Ohchan; it hurts so much and I wish you could see how much I wanted to take everything back… how badly I wanted to run after you when you started walking away last night, and how miserably stupid I feel right now for even thinking that I can do this alone._

_But I can’t take it back – I can’t no matter how much I want to because I’m stubborn, and stupid, and there’s no way I could be able to face you and beg you to take me back; I can’t, you know I can’t but god knows that’s what I want, and,_

_I want you back, Ohchan, and it’s only been a day._

_How the hell am I going to move past this if I don’t even know how to begin?_  

Ohno turned the page, his eyes blurred with tears. Sighing deeply, he braced himself and prepared to read another entry with his heart on his throat.


	2. Volume 2 : Pretenses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was staring at the diary in his hands like it held the answers to the universe, his brain seemed to refuse at the idea of letting it go in favor of checking out the rest. There were twelve journals piled in here, including the one he had on his hands – each one was carefully marked by Nino’s handwriting, one journal for each month.

He was staring at the diary in his hands like it held the answers to the universe, his brain seemed to refuse at the idea of letting it go in favor of checking out the rest. There were twelve journals piled in here, including the one he had on his hands – each one was carefully marked by Nino’s handwriting, one journal for each month. The one he’s holding was marked ‘No. 1 – May 2012’, each page had been filled out with memories of those days he and Nino spent apart; he closed his eyes as realization kicked in faster than he should have expected, because a year after the breakup – a year after he and Nino called it quits, he’s here, quietly blaming himself for not fighting Nino that night when Nino said he wanted out, that it was for the better if they just go back to how they were before – as friends. 

He wished he’d been strong enough to do just that. 

Regrets flowed like an uninterrupted current of water as he stayed there, staring at the pile of books that held most of Nino’s thoughts during the past year. He didn’t even know how else to describe the feeling, just that it felt even painful than the night Nino told him they weren’t working out anymore.

He knew he shouldn’t be doing this; that the mere fact that he was inside Nino’s apartment when Nino wasn’t here was already an obvious invasion of the other man’s privacy (and property) but he couldn’t be bothered to feel ashamed anymore. Not when he was silently chastising himself for not doing this sooner, because if he did, then they might have been spared from a lot of unnecessary heartaches brought about by his lack of courage – by his inability to put his feelings and thoughts into words the same way he did when he allowed Nino to walk away without even stopping him. 

He put No. 1 down and with trembling fingers he reached out to grab No. 2. This one bore not much difference from the first one he’d just held in his hands, breathing in deeply before he carefully flipped the first page.

Something fell down from the book and he immediately crouched down to retrieve it, his whole body reeled with the force of his sobs when he realized what it was. 

An already withered, single stemmed, white rose – the very same one he remembered finding sitting on top of his script book when he went back to grab it before heading home -- the very same one he remembered throwing into the garbage bin next to the refreshment before he dashed to the door and left.

The same damn flower he gave Nino the night before, albeit jokingly, after pressing a soft kiss over it and handing the said flower to Nino’s frozen still hands, while their bandmates squealed in the background. 

The date written on the page the withered rose slipped out from was 17th June 2012. 

It was Nino’s 29th birthday. 

And the entry, surprisingly, wasn’t addressed to him, but to Nino himself.

 

_Dear me,_

_Seriously, what is wrong with you? It had been what, over a month already and yet you’re still following him around like a lost puppy. Give it a rest already. Can’t you see he’s over you? He’s fine, he’s having a good time and he’s flirting with other people while you’re here, wishing it was you. It’s pathetic, you should stop it before J corners you and calls you names you know you can’t bear to be called with._

_I know it’s hard… I know nothing has been easy since you decided to break up but what is done is done – you could have done something to get him back then, or at least you could have told him how much of an idiot you are for breaking up with him when you know it wasn’t what you wanted. You could have told him how much you missed him, how your life hadn’t been exactly the same since you two had parted ways but as it was, like always, you did nothing._

_You’re scared to face him, aren’t you? You’re scared that by allowing yourself to speak freely, you’re going to end up swallowing your own pride just to convince him to stay. But you wouldn’t do that, would you? You wouldn’t, even after the fact that it’s killing you watching him from afar and you couldn’t do anything to cross that distance so you could touch him the way you used to; you wouldn’t do it even for the most important person in your life, not even for him, because you didn’t want him to know that you’re suffering – that being without him felt close to dying already._

_But it was no one’s fault but yours and you know it. Because you love him so and yet, what did you do? Yes. Nothing. You pushed him away when you thought – speculated – that he had stopped loving you a long time ago. It may be true, but at the same time, it might not. But there was no way to know that now, was there? You did it because you were afraid that one day, you’d hear the words you so stupidly told him yourself a month ago, and that convincing yourself that saying them yourself was a hundred times better than hearing him say the words to your face._

_And now you’re hurting watching him from afar – watching him live his life without you while you’re here, wallowing on the misery that you yourself had created._

_And that flower is the proof of your stupidity – the proof that he has moved on with his life while you are here, miserable and alone._

_Worst birthday ever. Hands down._

He closed the journal and leaned back, the heavy stillness was like a thick mass of cloud hovering over his consciousness, letting his tears get in the way as he clutched Nino’s journal close to his chest. 

“Seems like we’ve got a lot to talk about when you come back ne, Kazu?” 


	3. Volume 3 : Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knew about Nino’s reaction to breakups was always to rearrange his things – move things around his room or his apartment for a change; there was even that one time after Masami, when Nino had decided to immediately vacate his current apartment just so he wouldn’t be repeatedly reminded of Masami wherever he looked at.

He’d had to keep himself from reaching out and taking journal no. 3, feeling entirely exhausted and badly needing a drink as he stood up on shaky legs and padded towards Nino’s miniscule kitchen quietly. He didn’t bother turning the lights on here – the lights coming from the buildings and lamp posts outside were enough for him to see where he was going. 

It amused him to know that he still knew his way around here, couldn’t shake the combination of awfulness and regret he felt when he realized Nino had kept everything here as they were, the same way when they were together, the way he knew Nino had never done when he had been in a relationship with other people. 

He knew about Nino’s reaction to breakups was always to rearrange his things – move things around his room or his apartment for a change; there was even that one time after Masami, when Nino had decided to immediately vacate his current apartment just so he wouldn’t be repeatedly reminded of Masami wherever he looked at. 

But here, now, he realized nothing had changed since he last came here. 

Well, it had been over a year since he’d been here – Nino had been successful in evading them, most of all him, about being invited over since they broke up, but he guessed it couldn’t be help; he wasn’t too fond with the idea of coming over here if only to be reminded of the same thing he had stupidly tried to avoid the past year even though he was pretty sure that the other three had been here a couple of times during those times, though none of them actually mentioned the fact out loud. And really, could he blame his friends for not wanting to stand in between the mess that he and Nino had created themselves? He didn’t think so. 

Neither of them was brave enough to look back, though now he knew they both felt the same way – about the break up, about each other, about everything that had happened between them; but he knew there was no use thinking of the ‘ _what ifs’_ when here, now, he’d been given a second chance to make things right. 

He just hoped he wasn’t too late to do all that. 

There were so many questions left unanswered, so many awful things in between he knew he should try and mend by himself this time around, if that would mean he’d get to have his second chance. Reading Nino’s journals seemed like the wakeup call he’d long been waiting for, and he knew right here, right now, what should be done. 

The only scary thing about all these was the fact that he didn’t know what was going on in Nino’s head, what Nino was thinking after a whole year of keeping all these to himself. Sure, Nino might still love him, but the possibility that Nino’s long given up – that he’d gotten over him was always there. But he knew he couldn’t let that possibility stop him from doing what was right – from doing what he should have done long time ago just because of the possibility that Nino might not love him the same way as he did before. 

They might not get back together but he never doubted – even for one second – that after he and Nino had talked things over, everything would be okay. He had his fingers crossed for that.   

He went straight to Nino’s fridge with all the intention to fetch himself a cold bottle of water, and then feeling himself freezing on the spot when he reached the fridge itself. 

On the fridge’s door were photos of him – lots of them, few were taken when he was here, few were photos of him and Nino together, making goofy faces at the camera and sometimes at each other – he didn’t know Nino had kept those photos, hadn’t known until now that they still existed until he saw them. 

They littered the fridge’s door like posts its, each one was marked with Nino’s careful handwriting, the same way he did with the journals – date of which each photos were taken, what they were doing at exactly the same time it was taken and, shockingly, what he and Nino were talking about at exact the same moment the photo was taken too. 

There was an invisible hand gripping at his chest and it suddenly became difficult for him to breath. Nino had preserved their memories in this place alive, each corner bearing the reminder of their life together before the breakup. 

Just then he looked up, sweeping his gaze across the walls he now realized were decorated with everything that was him – from unfinished paintings to completely-forgotten doodles, drawings he probably did out of boredom and so many other little artsy things he was sure he did and had left behind were now lining Nino’s walls. 

The need to drink something now forgotten, he stumbled on his feet and went back to Nino’s desk, scrambling to grab Journal no. 3 without bothering getting up on the chair. Sprawled on his ass on Nino’s floor, he opened the first page as another sob wretched itself out from his chest as he read on.

 

_Oh-chan._

_Oh-chan._

_I love you. I love you._

_Take me back, please?_

_Take me back, I’m begging you._


	4. volume 4 : Getting By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing could have prepared him for this – to this overwhelming surge of emotions while he was reading Nino’s thoughts that he had written down on paper. He didn’t even want to imagine how Nino was able to write everything – down to the tiny details of their life apart, of his life in particular, amazed at how Nino was able to catch those little things when they weren’t even talking to each other the way they used to.

Nothing could have prepared him for this – to this overwhelming surge of emotions while he was reading Nino’s thoughts that he had written down on paper. He didn’t even want to imagine how Nino was able to write everything – down to the tiny details of their life apart, of _his_ life in particular, amazed at how Nino was able to catch those little things when they weren’t even talking to each other the way they used to. 

It’s so hard to remember them all, especially when most of the time he’d rather stay in his head than to allow himself to feel -- to be reminded of how difficult it was to work with someone you love so much you couldn’t even touch – to work closely with that someone who was used to be the only person who could understand you. 

But now, everything was coming back slowly – every little pain, every single heartache he felt during those times he longed to squeeze himself next to Nino’s side, to lean his head on Nino’s shoulder but couldn’t – they were all coming back now and really, he didn’t think it would hurt as much as they did now. 

He was to be blame for this as much as Nino, and at least that was a comforting thought knowing that he wasn’t the only one; they did this to themselves – it was stupid, carrying this burden in silence because neither of them was brave enough to stand up and ask the other what the fuck was up their asses then. 

Nino was stupid if he thought he could read through the younger man’s pretenses and see what was hidden beneath those smiles Nino threw his way then, because he couldn’t; he was too busy trying to cover up his own heartbreak with smiles of his own to even look at Nino twice, and expect him to know the fucking difference.

  

_5 th August 2012_

_Leader sat beside me and he smelled wonderful. I asked him which cologne he’s wearing though I am pretty sure he wasn’t going to answer, but I asked anyway._

_He simply shrugged and went straight to nap next to me, his cap pulled low to cover half of his face. I knew it was bad checking him out but I couldn’t help it._

_I moved closer to his side and he shifted… and I saw it._

_He had bite marks on his neck and shoulders, and the lipstick mark on the collar of his white shirt._

_That explained the scent of that feminine cologne he was wearing._

 

He groaned. He didn’t even realize Nino was watching him closely, that Nino was able to see those fucked up things he did but not the reason why he did them, and it’s even more frustrating knowing them now. Nino should have known that he only did those things in order to cope up, that fucking around with girls was the only way he knew then just so he could keep himself from ending up on Nino’s front door and begging him to take him back. 

He was about to turn the page when his phone vibrated inside his pants’ pocket, distractedly reached inside to check out who was calling.

It was Jun. 

He thought twice about answering but he didn’t want to worry his bandmate. Besides, he knew Jun would keep calling anyway. He knew better than to ignore his bandmates calls in favor of secluding himself to the world. Things were different now, and there was nothing he could do to change it. 

“Jun-kun, hi,” he greeted once he had accepted the call. 

There was a long beat before Jun replied, “Hey. I was just thinking what the fuck you’re doing at Nino’s house when we all know he’s not there?” his younger friend said, straight to the point, as always. He was about to ask Jun how the fuck he knew that he’s here but realized it was because of his phone. Fucking technology’s really creepy. 

“Leader?” 

He gripped Journal no. 4 tight, raised it up and pressed a kiss against the cover, feeling his chest constrict painfully at the realization that he had been hurting Nino for the whole fucking year without him knowing it. 

“I know it’s wrong,” he started, feeling his voice wobbled like the rest of him, “but – _damn,_ Jun-kun, I don’t even… I know this is going to sound stupid but I found –“ 

“You found Nino’s journals,” Jun cut in, suave and collected, the way he always had been – like he already knew why he was there even without him saying it. “And the craps he had on his walls and on every corner of his fucking house?” 

He stayed quiet for a while until he was sure Jun was still on the line and was probably trying to calm himself down. 

“You guys knew about this –“ he paused, suddenly conflicted as to what he was supposed to feel. On one hand, he knew he should be hell pissed that at least one of his bandmates knew what Nino was going through during the past year and yet no one dared to corner him or at least opened their mouths and tell him what was going on, and on the other hand, he was glad – at least, he’d have someone to back him up when it was time to face the ultimate challenge. Talking to Nino, that is. “Fuck. Jun, I –“ 

“I’m not sure about the others but, well, I’ve known Nino longer than I’ve known you and I know how to make him open up, to me, at least. I was aware about how hard the breakup was for him and I --- I know I should tell you to back off, Leader, but – fuck, I don’t even know what to say to you right now. You’re – you’re literally invading Nino’s privacy but –“ 

“I know,” he rasped out, frustration creeping up his spine with the fact that his hands were tied and that no matter how badly he wanted to reach Nino now, he simply couldn’t. “But – but I.. _god,_ I didn’t know! I swear to god, if I had known he was – if I had known how he felt about it, then, I would have –“ he groaned, willing himself to spit the words out he knew meant nothing now but he couldn’t… just like before, his ability or lack thereof, to put his thoughts into words, was what’s getting in the way, even now. 

And he hated it. 

“Are you seriously telling me what I think you’re telling me?” Jun said, sounding baffled. 

He closed his eyes, felt the swell of too many emotions resurfacing at that exact moment. He didn’t even try reining them in, just let them bubbled into the surface the way he hadn’t allowed before. For the past year, he never allowed anyone to see this side of him, this hurting part of him he kept hidden just because Nino did the same thing too. 

Maybe if he had let anyone see how miserable he was after the breakup, maybe then things would have been different – his friends might have done something to fix them, and Nino might have realized he was so wrong for thinking the worst of him. 

“Jun-kun, I –“ he said, or at least started to, stopping mid-way to grip at his chest and wishing it was easy saying the words without stumbling on them. 

“Oh god,” Jun cut him off, sounding partly-relieved and partly-amazed. “Oh my god, this is exactly what I’ve been telling him, Leader,” Jun gushed, like Jun knew exactly what he meant even though he hadn’t really said anything. “ – but you know how he is.. too stubborn for his own good. He didn’t want to believe us when we told him he was stupid for breaking up with you, for thinking you don’t love him anymore…” 

He kept himself from groaning as the pain slowly inched its way up his chest and to every nerve endings on his body, and he could feel his heart breaking in the worst possible ways and he didn’t know if there was even a way to stop it. 

“But after a while,” Jun followed, like an afterthought, “we kind of believed him since you never acted differently around him – like the transition from being lovers to friends was nothing for you… we thought you were totally fine with the breakup, that you realized you didn’t love Nino enough to care that he’s in pain…”

He wished he knew but -- 

“I d-didn’t –“ he said, biting his lips hard enough to keep himself from shedding tears – for him and Nino, and for those time they’ve spent apart and hurting. “I never stopped loving him, Jun-kun,” he confessed in a shuddering voice. 

Jun gasped. “Shit.” 

Another long moment before Jun spoke, and he knew the younger man was trying to lighten the situation even though he wasn’t sure if there was any way to reverse the fact that he screwed up. Big time. 

“It was his fault as much as it was yours, Leader,” Jun said, sounding a lot calmer than he was seconds ago. “But no one is blaming you, least of all me – I just couldn’t help but wish I was brave enough not to indulge Nino’s stupidity then, because if I didn’t, I would have gone straight to beat the living daylights out of you, then at least you would have known how badly he wanted you back…” Jun paused again and he heard him heaved a sigh. 

“It was my fault because I let him, Jun-kun,” he said, finally, feeling his insides contract at the painful fact that it might be too late to make things right. “ - because I let him push me away when I’m supposed to stay, when I was supposed to hold on until he realized I’ve never stopped loving him – that I still feel the same way for him – still love him, until now,” 

Jun was quiet for a whole heartbeat before he heard the younger man heaved another deep breath. 

“God, this sucks so much,” Jun muttered, and he sounded like there was something more to it than what he’s telling him; he suddenly felt scared and he wished it wasn’t because –

“Jun, please tell me the truth,” he said, willing himself not to shake at the scary possibility, at the fact that maybe, possibly, he really was too late. “I-Is there --- Is it too late to make things right? Is Nino – “ he paused, his throat was suddenly too tight he could barely get the words out. “ – h-he’s _over_ me, isn’t he?” 

Jun was quiet on the other end, save from the occasional sound of his breath. 

And then, very quietly, Jun whispered. 

“No, Leader,” Jun said, “He’s not over you yet,” Jun confirmed as all the air left his body in a rush and he struggled to keep himself from stumbling forward as he gripped Nino’s journal close to his chest. 

“And I don’t think he ever will be,” 

 


	5. Volume 5 : Holding Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt lighter, like a very heavy weight had been miraculously lifted from his chest, the feeling like it only took him merely a couple of hours to gain back what he thought he’d lost forever. He bet he looked kind of smug (and felt just like it too), realizing he’d been feeling that way since Jun ended their conversation with ‘Nino’s not over you yet, and I don’t think he ever will be’.

After much deliberation, he finally decided to raid Nino’s fridge for that badly needed drink, his gaze drifting absently to the photos of him and Nino he found pinned and scattered all over the fridge’s door earlier; he took a bottled water, that being the better option rather than going for beer instead, mainly because he wanted to keep his mind clear while reading the rest of the journals. 

He felt lighter, like a very heavy weight had been miraculously lifted from his chest, the feeling like it only took him merely a couple of hours to gain back what he thought he’d lost forever. He bet he looked kind of smug (and felt just like it too), realizing he’d been feeling that way since Jun ended their conversation with ‘Nino’s not over you yet, and I don’t think he ever will be’.  

His eyes caught a half-finished hamburger sitting behind an overripe banana; it was still wrapped around its paper wrapper and thought about how Nino must have took a few bites before putting it back inside the fridge. He wondered how many weeks it had been there, but the thought of Nino biting at it and leaving it afterwards brought a stupid grin on his face. He reached to grab the burger, still grinning before turning around and walking the few steps towards Nino’s microwave and shoving the half-finished burger to heat it. 

He had left Journal # 5 unopened, page unturned as he took it out from the pile and down next to the spot on the floor he’s camping at, before he had willed himself to stand up and grab a drink before he went back to reading, knowing he might not be able to do that once he started reading again. The talk he’d had with Jun had given him enough courage to stay here, enough reason to hope that he and Nino could somehow work things out when the younger man came back from his travel. 

He even thought of stopping himself from reading the rest of Nino’s journals (and Jun telling him how he had devised enough plans to hurt him the next time they see each other would have been enough for him to consider leaving Nino’s place at once) but after much thinking, he gave up on trying to do the right thing. Sure this was wrong and he was well aware of the fact that everything might not end up how he expected them to, but he’d take his chance. 

If cheating his way back to Nino’s heart was the only option, he’d take it – Nino could very well deal with it later on, just as long as he had the younger man back in his arms where he’d always wanted him. 

The microwave dinged, prompting him back to the present; he took the heated and half-finished burger along with the bottled water and made his way back to Nino’s living room where Journal #5 was patiently waiting to be read.

 

_15 th September 2012_

_One day in the near future, I plan on killing Aiba Masaki mercilessly._

_I really should, considering the fact that after all these time, he’s still an idiot. Why, you say? Well, aside from the obvious fact that he doesn’t care about other people’s feelings, at all, he even went as far as putting me and the person whom I’ve been trying to keep my distance from in the same fucking room together while pretending he was not at fault, like he was trying to make me believe that he didn’t have anything to do with the fact that he was there when Aiba swore it would be just the two of us._

_And I don’t care whether it’s going to be the end of Arashi – hell, it’s probably for the best if that were to happen because then I won’t have to deal with this fucking crap anymore._

_But in the end, I stayed – keeping to myself and pretending his presence wasn’t bothering me. He looked so calm, so collected, and so very different from how pathetically miserable I must have looked like._

_I know I am to blame for everything (for everything, damn it!)  but does he have to always rub the fact right into my face every fucking time? It doesn’t help that my friends are a bunch of fucking nuisance (except from Jun, thankfully), always inviting us out for drinks when they’re the ones who supposed to know how fucking hard it was to sit there and watch him out from the corners of my eyes while he flirted and enjoyed his fucking night with some random chick he happened to meet on his way there. It’s fucking annoying but… but I can’t fucking do anything to stop it – to stop him from hurting me again and again because everything is my fucking fault._

_And that night was no exception. Aiba invited me out to drink and because the stupid jerk wasn’t deterred no matter how many times I refused his invitations, I figured it was better to give in, at least for once. But I didn’t agree unless he told me what he knew would take for me to say yes, outright lying to myself by telling me it’d be just the two of us going out to drink that night, that it would be his treat since he wasn’t able to treat me out on my birthday because I chose to be a hermit and backed out on them after our performance (before they even managed to drag me somewhere to celebrate)._

_Not even half an hour after we arrived at the bar he took me with, Sho arrived with him on tow._

_My first reaction was to bail out, because goddamit I wasn’t drunk enough to pass out face-first on any flat surface there is and by that it meant I’m still sober enough to remember how much it hurts – that the simple fact that we’re going to end up in the same fucking room together was enough to make me fidget the whole time my stupid friends were greeting each other like I wasn’t there, before he turned and offered me a curt nod as he slid next to Aiba, and he somehow ended up sitting directly opposite me. Just my luck, really._

_His eyes met mine briefly, and the urge to run off and die somewhere he couldn’t see was too strong I barely managed to command myself to sit still and chose to tune them out instead. I couldn’t do that – I wouldn’t, because well, a man has got to have his pride on him somehow, right?_

_So I manned up and stayed, listening to them as they talked about anything and everything; the alcohol kept pouring in, and after a while, girls started coming too. I should have expected it, but judging with the way Aiba and Sho had kept throwing meaningful gazes towards each other, I was pretty sure it was obvious that they’ve plotted this shit together._

_And I hated every second of it, most especially when I had to pretend I was enjoying myself with the girl Aiba said he chose to be with me that night, to entertain me, he said, but who did nothing but giggle beside me, feeling her fingers brushing intentionally over the front of my crotch every goddamn second she thought I was not looking. I really didn’t care, because then I was damn sure my attention was focused on him and him alone, and the painful fact that he was busy making out with some girl whose face I could no longer remember._

_Then I realized I did what a normal jerk facing the same situation would do by yanking the girl beside me by the arms and kissing her, before dragging her to the nearest empty ladies’ room stall where she had literally begged if she could suck me off, to which I agreed, albeit half-heartedly. It’s just._

_I have never felt so dirty and stupid since I was sixteen – when fucking around with girls was nothing but common play -- because even with my dick shoved deep inside some girl’s mouth, all I think about was his fingers touching that other girl’s breast and his mouth on that girl’s neck, quietly wishing it was me he was touching instead of her._

_I’m all fucked up and I don’t think I’d ever get better – not when everything he does hurts me, and that the simple sight of him or even just the thought of him loving somebody else is enough to kill me slowly._

_Sooner or later, this has got to stop. The suffering might not but at least, I’d have to learn how to cope up, the same way I know he has done perfectly on his own._

_That, or I’d have to go away; far from him, and far from all these misery that comes along with loving him._

_… but that’s impossible. Right._

_Damn it._

  

“What an idiot,” he muttered to himself, fingers trailing across the paper, tracing Nino’s words and hoping by doing this he’d be able to heal Nino’s wounds. He couldn’t, though, and it would probably take more than his lame plans to shackle Nino to his bed in case he tried to run away when he decided to go back here and insisted the _talk_ , but it’s that or letting Nino go forever. 

He had his share of wrongdoings and for that he was ashamed, but he knew there was nothing that could be done about those now. 

Well, aside from making sure Nino would listen – other than that, he guessed he’d just have to wait until they were finally face to face. 

He stood up, prepared to put Journal No. 5 back to where it was before when his eyes caught a pair of socked foot standing on the doorway. 

“Leader? What the fuck are you doing in my house?” 

He froze. “Oh, shit.”

 


	6. Volume 6 : Reminisce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a complete douche, please allow me to ask for your forgiveness early on :D also, just because the title said so, doesn’t mean everything should be heart-wrenchingly angsty, right? Right?

He struggled to his feet, felt as if the ground was swaying beneath him as he was waiting for the inevitable screaming coming from Nino’s end; he braced himself against the edge of Nino’s study table, fingers gripping the wood tight enough to hurt and turning slowly around, vaguely feeling Nino’s gaze burning a hole against the back of his neck even though he couldn’t see him. He took a few deep, calming breaths and looked up, prepared to meet Nino’s furious eyes but Nino was moving too fast for him to catch Nino before he felt himself backing against the table’s edge for support.  
  
Sounds of hurried footsteps at the same time and he hadn’t even managed to properly focus his gaze, enough to track Nino’s movement when he realized he was suddenly being tugged in, Nino’s arms wounding around him and then feeling Nino’s warm breath against the side of his neck the second after. He couldn’t do anything, couldn’t move a single muscle because Nino’s hold around him was grounding him, trapping him, and that the only thing he was capable of was letting Nino hold him like this, letting him, just letting him.  
  
“K-Kazu?”   
  
Nino shook his head against him and he could smell the familiar scent of Nino’s shampoo, could feel the way Nino fitted perfectly against him as he kept himself still; Nino felt so soft and solid against him, and he briefly wondered how he had managed to be without this for so long – without Nino’s arms around him, without Nino’s body so close to his – because now he realized how much he missed this closeness.   
  
Being able to hold onto Nino and Nino holding him back, and know that they weren’t doing it just for their images’ sake.   
  
Nino’s arms were tight around him, almost too tight really, but he didn’t care – it had been too long, seemed like it had been ages ago since he felt this overwhelming feeling whenever Nino was close, and though he was pretty sure there were a lot of things they ought to discuss first, he bit his tongue and waited till Nino was ready to let go.   
  
Though he knew that he himself wasn’t ready to let Nino go just yet.  
  
“K-Kazu, I –“ he started, cut himself off quickly when Nino all but pulled back, leaned up to press a gentle kiss against his cheek and whispered,  
  
“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW,”  
  
He gasped….  
  
… and woke up to the sound of his phone ringing non-stop. It was Jun again.  
  
“Fuck,” he muttered to himself, scrabbling for his phone with one hand and rubbing his eyes with the other, squinting and willing his eyes to adjust in the dark. He didn’t even know he fell asleep, and how long he must be napping until he checked his phone (that had thankfully stopped ringing), realizing it was already half-past nine.  
  
He shook himself out of daze, blinking rapidly at his phone’s screen, not at all seeing anything. His thoughts was screaming at him, the memory of the dream – of Nino’s arms around him, of Nino’s warm body and –   
  
“Shit,” a curse fell from his lips; it felt so real, so very real like Nino was really there with him, hugging him and simply breathing warm breaths against his skin. He almost laughed at how his Nino-dream had hissed the words that woke him, realizing how odd it was to dream of Nino holding him close only to be kicked out of his house exactly two minutes later.  
  
Odd but not entirely, since half of the dream – at least the part where Nino had kicked him out of the house was, because it certainly wasn’t far from coming true, most especially if Nino did come home to find him being all cozy in the other man’s apartment, eating his leftover foods and reading his supposedly secret journals.  
  
He chuckled as he took his phone and dialed Jun’s number to confirm one thing : Nino’s return; it wouldn’t do good, at all, if Nino was to find him here, with Nino’s journal on his hand – Nino’s secret bared in the open without him knowing or allowing it. Well, he was sure he was going to tell Nino about this little cheating that he did, because there was no way this wouldn’t go unmentioned, but not now – later, when he’s sure things are settled down and they’re back in each other’s arms, like he hoped they would after they talked things over.  
  
“Matsujun? Hi, yeah, I’m still here,” he mumbled when Jun snapped ‘ _don’t tell me you’re still there, Leader!_ ’, mumbling some more when Jun very clearly cursed something in English – well, he did guessed Jun just cursed but he couldn’t really be sure. “Sorry,” he paused, reaching up to massage his temple; Jun sounded like he wanted to yell at him some more but seemed a lot better at holding his temper, most especially now that he’s technically the first (and only one) who knew how badly he wanted to make things right between him and Nino. Well, sort of.  
  
“Well, err –“ he stuttered when Jun tsked impatiently down the other line. “Yes, I’m leaving soon… I just, well – do you know when Nino’s due to come back?” he went straight to business, ignoring Jun’s little snippy remarks about how he should just email Nino about him being there and snooping around Nino’s things and well, his privacy too.   
  
He chuckled and ignored that too.  
  
“Tomorrow? Seven? Morning or – ah, evening, Japan time?” he confirmed; Jun hummed in response and told him he should make sure things are returned to their proper places before he leave, but his mind was focused on the fact that he had at least one day, so that’s better. He’d have enough time to finish reading the rest of the journals and leave before Nino arrive. “Got it, thanks Matsujun,” he said, hanging up before the younger man could even say anything and turning his phone off immediately afterwards, knowing that Jun’s going to call him back.  
  
He looked around and stretched, his back cracking in possibly ten different places as he did so, realizing his butt had also gone numb for sitting for far too long; Journal no. 5 was still lying next to him, grabbing it and slowly getting up from his spot on the floor to return the said journal back to its place and taking no. 6 with him before he slumped back down.   
  
October 2012, was what written on the front.  
  
He smiled, ran his palm across the careful writings before he turned the first page and started reading.  
  
  
 _This one serves as Ninomiya Kazunari and Ohno Satoshi’s sort of memory book. Events are not going to be written down according to dates because the author of this stupid thing can only remember the scenarios (thankfully) but not exactly when the events happened (DAMN.IT)._  
  
 _The author doesn’t even know why he’s writing this preface because as far as he knows, no one is supposed to read this stupid thing aside from him._  
  
 _And if ever anyone finds out about these – he might probably just shoot himself or throw himself in front of a speeding truck to avoid facing the obvious embarrassment he’s sure he’s going to face immediately afterwards if ever some asshole (aside from the author himself) gets to read these._  
  
 _(Snooping, conniving and terrible, terrible friends included – that means you, Matsumoto Jun – since you got me drunk and tricked me into confessing about the existence of these dumb things when no one is supposed to know about these but me, but since I was sure I was not drunk enough to let you read these shit, I think I’m still safe.)_  
  
 _That being said…._  
  
Ohno couldn’t help but giggle quietly to himself, and then outright laughed when he realized he was alone anyway, and that no one could hear him.  
  
“Silly Kazu,” he mumbled and went back to reading.  
  
  
 _Entry No. 1 – When Fabulous Ass and Hamburger Hands Met: It’s Fate_  
  
  
 _1996, Kyoto_  
  
 _I didn’t want to be here – well, maybe half of the Juniors (including us) that were sent out here felt the same way, but what could we do? We were mainly employees of a very large company and that simply meant we do what the Management tell us to do, including camping out here and joining these other losers as they performed on stage. Seriously, there’re a lot of losers here._  
  
 _Jun and Aiba-chan were out following the older losers around to god-knows-where while I chose to stay behind and play – it was better than let the other older bastards (who thought they were superior beings just because they were sent out here millions of years ago before Johnnys decided on sending me and my own army of stupid minions out here to join them, too) treat me like they’re very own errand boy – I’ve had enough of being treated that way back home so, no more, I’m manning up._  
  
 _Enough being the usual Mr. Goody two shoes; I should probably change my image – go and join the other less losers to the gym and –_  
  
 _… stare at some naked guy’s butt as he walked out of the hall without a stitch on, calmly, like he was on his own fucking house and chattering with his equally naked buddy (whose butt was probably the most perfect thing I was able to laid my eyes on)._  
  
 _Wait._  
  
 _I looked around, wondering if I didn’t accidentally time-slipped and ended up in a world where butt-naked people walking around were normal fashion, seeing that I was still standing outside our dorm room door and still holding my game boy in one hand and the cup ramen I stole from Matsujun’s bag with the other._  
  
 _“So apparently, I’m still on Earth,” I mumbled to myself, or so I thought, but I probably said the words loud enough to wake the dead because then I realized that one of the butt-naked guys (the first one I saw) was whipping around to face me._  
  
 _Butt-naked guy no. 1 turned and saw me ogling. The other butt-naked guy. Not him. Not butt-naked guy no. 1 but. What the hell? (My brain was a mess, I couldn’t even write this properly.)_  
  
 _“Hey. You’re new, aren’t you?”  butt-naked guy no. 1 hollered from the hallway and it took me a whole fucking minute to realize that he was speaking to me. Butt-naked guy no. 2 turned as well, and oh my god, I think I just died and went to heaven._  
  
 _“Huh?” I answered lamely. Well, it couldn’t be helped when butt-naked guy no. 2 turned back around and started walking away, his perfect butt slipping further away from my once perfect vision, from my once peaceful existence. I think I was going blind, or crazy, or both because the next thing I realized …_  
  
 _“Hey Ohno, this guy is eyeing your butt like he wants to eat it, gross!”_  
  
 _Butt-naked guy no. 2, Ohno, waved a hand dismissively at us._  
  
 _“Can’t be help, Machin,” he said, skipping towards the end of the hall where the shower stalls are located, patting his rump and squeezing the pert thing twice that the action itself made my mouth dry. “They’re really eye-catching,” he added before disappearing inside the shower’s door._  
  
 _Butt-naked guy no. 1, Machin, snorted, and turned towards me. “Who are you again?”_  
  
 _#_  
  
 _Jun liked to act like he didn’t know me, most especially when he started seeing me with the others but I really didn’t care, just as long as Oh-chan was around and I could drape myself against him (and feel his perfect behind, yes) I’d get by._  
  
 _“You haven’t been eating with us,” Aiba-chan whined like a girl sometimes, and really, I’m pretty sure it was all Matsumoto Jun’s fault. “You always hang out with those dancer guys; we kind of miss you,”_  
  
 _I snorted just as Jun did. Seriously, this guy’s a creep._  
  
 _“We’ll hang out when we’re back in Tokyo,” I told Aiba-chan airily as I started getting up; it’s only nine in the morning but Oh-chan’s schedule said they didn’t have anything until one this afternoon, but he told me he was heading off to do dance rehearsals on his own by nine thirty. I’m not going to miss that, of course not._  
  
 _“Why can’t we hang out while we’re out here?” Aiba-chan complained, following me to the door. “Didn’t we promise we’d enjoy our stay here, together?” the puppy-dog eyes, ugh._  
  
 _“I am enjoying my stay here, and I’m pretty sure you guys are going to enjoy your stay here if you will only stop following those losers around and do fun things by yourselves, so what’s the problem?”_  
  
 _“It’s because you got yourself a boyfriend and we got nothing,” baby Jun muttered. I felt justified for wanting to strangle the life out of that big-head creep, but I stopped myself before my hand did something awful. Besides, these hands were made to touch perfect things, like Oh-chan’s perfect behind – instead of killing one of my longest, thick-browed friend bare-handedly._  
  
 _Keep calm, Nino._  
  
 _“Whatever,” I waved them off. “Go and snag one of them losers while you’re at it and I’ll, well, I’ll tell you when you guys are older. See you bitches later,”_  
  
 _#_  
  
 _(You will forgive the author if the things he is about to write here are a bunch of fluffy but otherwise facts. About the author’s first time with Ohno Satoshi. Not that kind of first time, though. Too bad.)_  
  
 _I came just in time to catch Oh-chan doing stretches, thankfully alone (Machida-san was not with him, thank heavens) and I sauntered towards him without him noticing me (which wasn’t unusual, but I’m used to it), plopping myself next to him before moving myself behind him while Oh-chan was bending forward._  
  
 _“Oh,”_  
  
 _I waved at him and smiled, eyeing his perfect behind (and mind you, I’m not being subtle about it even. It wasn’t like I didn’t try; it’s just that Oh-chan was really dense back in the days) as he looked down at me._  
  
 _“Hi,” he waved back, despite the awkward angle, with his head looking down at me upside down and his hands resting on his knees. “Ninomiya-kun,”_  
  
 _“Did you just start?” I asked, reaching up to touch his calf and grinning when he simply blinked back. “Do you want me to leave?” he shook his head. I smiled and took my hand back, patting the floor next to me. “It’s still early anyway, why don’t you sit down with me for a bit,”_  
  
 _Oh-chan straightened and went to sit beside me. “You came,” he said as I inched closer to his side._  
  
 _“I did say I was coming to watch you, right?”_  
  
 _“Hmm,”_  
  
 _“Am I distracting you or something?” I said, feigning hurt; well, I’m good at faking things, might as well use it to my advantage. “I can leave if you –“ I paused, crawled away from his side but before I even managed that, Oh-chan’s arms were tugging me back by the waist and placing me back to his side._  
  
 _Success!_  
  
 _The next thing I knew, Oh-chan was snuggled against me and we were lying side by side on the floor, his arm thrown across my stomach. I thought I heard the angels singing when I felt his long hair against my nape, the way his fingers were tracing little circles against my outer shirt._  
  
 _“Oh-chan?” I murmured when he shifted to burrow his face against the back of my head, inhaling deeply._  
  
 _Oh-chan hummed and repeated the action._  
  
 _“You smell good, Ninomiya-kun,” he said, tugging me closer. “I’m sleepy,” he added, as if the fact that I smell good was reason enough for him to feel sleepy._  
  
 _I giggled and his arms tightened around me. “I don’t see the connection, but well, thanks I guess?”_  
  
 _“You’re welcome,” he murmured back and promptly fell asleep._  
  
 _And as Oh-chan snored against me, I just realized one thing._  
  
 _I’m in love._  
  
  
He didn’t realize he was crying and smiling at the same time as he turned the next page, knowing that there was more to read aside from this – more to uncover for himself knowing that the entries weren’t only about Nino and Nino’s pain but more so about their early life together.   
  
It would be nice going through those memories through Nino’s eyes.  
  
He realized now that Nino didn’t only write those painful things he had to endure throughout the whole year they were apart, but also those happy memories they’ve spent together. Reading this particular entry made him realized how stupidly in love he still was with Nino, and how his heart ached awfully bad knowing that he was the cause of Nino’s pain.   
  
“I promise I’m going to make it up to you,” he murmured, thumbing at the next pages and smiling at the next entry. “If you’ll let me, I’ll make things right – if you’ll have me, that is,”  
  
He couldn’t wait to see Nino, really.


	7. Volume 6.5 - Interlude

He’s not even sure what to say when he glanced to his right and found Ohno walking next to him, belatedly realizing that the other three was already gone, and Ohno glancing right back at him with an almost dazed smile and said,   
  
“Aiba-chan could barely keep his eyes open so Jun said they’d better take the cab; Sho asked if you’re going to walk the rest of the way and you said you will, even though I was pretty sure you weren’t listening to him, so he just went with Jun and Aiba-chan,”  
  
He blinked, tried his best to recall what the hell Ohno was saying but the only thing he remember was Aiba-chan’s boasting about last night’s Kouhaku and their earlier visit to the shrine with the rest of the Tokio members.  
  
The rest was kind of a blur – their customary New Year’s ramen feast (courtesy of Ohno) and the few drinks they had along with the free late dinner, or rather, very early breakfast, and the usual way they ended their meal – thanking each other for the hard work and the promise to do their best on the next coming year while trying to keep their tears at bay, save from Aiba himself.  
  
And of course, their customary walk from the ramen shop and to their respective stop.   
  
But since his place was the nearest, he always made it a point to walk the rest of the way, while the others either take a cab home or crash the other’s place to get some sleep; it wasn’t like he didn’t want to have anyone over, but after almost half a year, he didn’t think he’d want to spend a night with anyone of them and risked having to be asked about himself and Ohno, and their strictly private current status. Having any one of them over would certainly mean letting them poke at his privacy and he would very much appreciate it if he was to be left alone, most especially today.  
  
It’s the first of the year and he just wanted to spend it alone at home, with a bottle of his favorite sake as he drowned his sorrows away, if it’s even possible to do that.  
  
Sorrows brought about by this stupid man who was walking beside him and looking the least concerned that he was the reason Nino felt so miserably pathetic for the past few months now, and maybe, though he badly wished against it, probably still feel this coming year, too.  
  
He thought of saying something else but what came out was, “It’s still early,” he said, shoving his freezing hands inside his jacket’s pocket and resumed walking, “And I’d rather walk the rest of the way to, you know,“ he said, raising his head to look at the pretty, pretty lights adorning the sidewalks, motioning at them without glancing at his accidental companion and realizing belatedly that he was expecting Ohno to understand what he meant. But then Ohno was nodding his head like he knew exactly what Nino meant, his expression soft and knowing. Nino tugged at his scarf and pulled his jacket firmly around himself and shrugged.   
  
“It’s not like you haven’t been walking around here for so long to miss the view,” Ohno said after a short pause and Nino was sure there was a hint of teasing in there, though he couldn’t really tell. “Or, have you?”  
  
“I haven’t,” he replied, because really, did Ohno think he had neither the time nor the desire to go outside and enjoy what normal people liked to do? Did he forget how much he preferred lazing around at home rather than spending his free time outside? They hadn’t broken up that long for him to be able to forget all that, had he?  
  
He chanced a glance and immediately regretted it when he was met with the sight of Ohno’s unreadable expression – his brows were drawn together as if he’s absorbed in the middle of a deep thought, and his mouth was drawn in a thin line.   
  
“And that’s why I thought I’d walk out here to appreciate the decorations before they put them down,” he said through gritted teeth, just as they passed the combini where his manager usually buy their morning coffees and where he remembered Ohno buying dinner from when he came over one night.   
  
Ohno’s tone next was teasing. “At almost three in the morning?”   
  
He shrugged again, guarding his expression because the sudden punch of pain deep in his gut was there again, Ohno’s words slicing through him like sharp blade; it was painful, almost too much so, even though he was sure Ohno didn’t mean anything by saying it. It’s just his bad that he was looking through Ohno’s words as if he was expecting Ohno to deliberately hurt him just by simply talking.  
  
Or not talking, if he was going to look back to that particular night he told Ohno they were done.  
  
He bit his lips so hard he almost tasted blood. “I didn’t ask you to come with me,” he said, wished he didn’t sound as pathetic as he felt.  
  
There was an almost a space of two heartbeats until he heard the faint sound of Ohno’s exhale, and then the feel of Ohno’s shoulder bumping against him.  
  
“No,” Ohno said, standing too close, but not close enough that Nino almost doubled over in his attempt to keep walking without tripping. “But I wanted to walk you home,” he followed, and Nino had to look his way, couldn’t not, and wished he hadn’t when he was met with Ohno’s smile, small and somewhat lonely.   
  
“The same way I’ve been doing for the last couple of years,”   
  
He was going to cry and he knew it, so he bit his lips too hard to swallow the emotions down. He couldn’t let this rule the best of him because fuck if he knew what those smiles mean, or if Ohno was only doing this because he’s fucking drunk or something.  
  
He hunched his shoulders and continued walking. “You really don’t have to do this,”  
  
“I know,” was Ohno’s answer, and suddenly he’s on Nino’s heels again, keeping up with him. “But I want to. Just because we broke up doesn’t mean everything has to change, yeah? We’re still friends, the last time I checked. Oh, but if you don’t want us to be, then that’s –“  
  
“I never said anything about not wanting to be your friend, Satoshi,”  
  
Another silence, then. “No, no you didn’t,” Ohno said, and his voice sounded small, distant; “But you act like you’d rather be anywhere than here, rather for us to be strangers than friends,”  
  
“Oh-chan, be reasonable,”  
  
“Ah, we’re here,” Ohno said, cutting him off, and yes, Nino realized they were standing in the front of the elevator of his apartment building. It was clear that Ohno’s letting him off the hook, letting him walk away from this, whatever the hell this was. “Go on,” Ohno said, pointing at the elevator.   
  
“W-What about you?” he found himself asking.  
  
It was Ohno’s turn to shrug, jabbing a thumb behind him as if he was pointing at something obvious.   
  
“Ah, I’ll catch a cab and go straight home to my folks, maybe sleep the next few days if I can, don’t worry about me,”  
  
He winced at that, the words ‘would you like to come in’ hung loosely at the tips of his tongue but he bit it down, swallowed the bitter taste of it and nodded, and instead said,   
  
“You just make sure to inform me that you made it home alive, okay? Or at least Sho – I’ll just, yeah, just mail Sho and Sho could mail me or something,”  
  
Ohno’s laughs, the one which Nino liked most, was like another bitter reminder of that thing he had lost and knew that he could never be able to get back again.  
  
“I’ll text you, I promise,” Ohno said, before doing a ridiculous peace sign, surprising Nino by pushing him forward and pressing the number of his floor without being prompted.   
  
When the elevator’s door opened, Nino was seconds away from turning around and tugging Ohno with him, hugged him with all his might and never let him go.  
  
But he couldn’t – god, but he couldn’t.  
  
He stepped on the lift without another word, turned around just in time to see Ohno tilted his head, lower lip caught in between his teeth and his eyes shone brighter than the lights adorning the sidewalks combined.  
  
Nino’s throat went dry when Ohno smiled his way and said, before turning away,  
  
“Happy New Year, Kazu,”  
  
The elevator’s door closed and Nino found himself slumping against it, sobbing so hard that his whole body rocked with the force of it.


	8. Volume 7: Regrets

The world didn’t remain on pause no matter how much he wished it would, as he gathered the last of the journals and placed them back where they belong. There were at least five more journals stacked in there that he hadn’t been able to read, but he’d have to force himself to stop before anything worst could happen, like, say, Nino coming home unexpectedly (the same way it happened in his dream) and finding him here.  
  
It’s been only a full day since he came here but it already felt like he’d been here for ages; it was a good thing he didn’t have any work lined up today and for the next two more days (his manager is amazing like that), and though he most certainly preferred to spend the next few days here to read the rest of Nino’s journals, he knew he needed to stop.  
  
Until his gaze found it – a larger, thicker journal that was heavier than the rest; he even had to use both of his hands to grab and lift it, before carefully putting it down the same way he treated the rest of Nino’s journals.  
  
This one was marked ‘MEMORIES’, again by Nino’s careful handwriting. He hadn’t even managed to open it and his fingers were already shaking something bad, his chest felt like an overinflated balloon.  
  
When he did turn the first page and saw his own face – his sleeping one at that plastered on top of the page, he knew he was about to discover something that would make him hate himself even more.  
  
His thoughts were in chaos, and his damn heart wouldn’t stop pounding as if knew it was about to be broken again but he toughed it up. He had to.  
  
He broke Nino’s heart, over and over, and though it wasn’t intentional and though he was sure his own had been broken quite badly, too, he was either too dumb or too stupid to let the pain seep through enough to dwell on it.  
  
But he should have known Nino was not like him – he never was; he should have known Nino’s the type who would keep everything bottled up until it threatened to spill and hurt him even more. He wondered if the same thing hadn’t happened yet, or if it already did then, where was he… what was he doing and who was with Nino that time.  
  
He wished he knew but he also thought it was better that he didn’t; he’d probably end up despising himself even more.  
  
He stared at his sleeping face captured on paper, and the way the right side of his face was completely buried into one of Nino’s pillows, taking note at the fact that he looked so peaceful, so at ease, so happy. He inspected it further and realized that the hand under his chin didn’t belong to him, felt the rush of warmth when he realized it was Nino’s hand on him, touching him.  
  
And below the picture, the words  _FIRST NIGHT TOGETHER_  were scrawled very neatly, very carefully beneath the photo and his heart began doing that wild somersault inside his chest again, the same way it always did when Nino was near and he had this huge urge to touch him but knew that he couldn’t.  
  
He remembered that time so very clearly he realized he was sobbing hard by the time his eyes moved downward, finding Nino’s words and thoughts written further below.  
  
  
 _If I thought I love you so much before last night, that changed completely the next time I opened my eyes and realized that what happened the night before was real. I don’t even – I’m not sure how to say it without sounding like a complete and utterly disgusting girl, but, god, you – I think I’m more in love with you now than I ever thought I loved you before._  
  
 _It’s crazy but it’s – god, it’s so weird because I was pretty sure I was already disgustingly in love with you before but – god, this is hopeless._  
  
 _I wonder how you do that, though I’m not sure if I will ever get it even if you tell me; how you could make my heart swoop with just the tiniest of smiles, how you could make my hands shake with a little brush of your fingers to any part of me you accidentally touched._  
  
 _And last night – I don’t think I’d ever get to put the memory of that past me, and I don’t think I even want to. I’ve never been with someone who only needs to breathe my name against my skin for everything to start all over again._  
  
 _Only you, Satoshi. Only you._  
  
 _Maybe this is what they meant when they told us to be careful when we fall in love, because I have a feeling there will be no turning back from here on. I thought the kisses were the most beautiful thing you could ever give me, but last night – last night was incomparable._  
  
 _When you were above me, inside me, all over me, nothing mattered except the fact that you’re there and you’re all around me. I might have said something to this regard, I’m not sure, I couldn’t remember anymore because my mind was filled with nothing but the feel of you, your scent, everything about you that I could file away, safely hide and just let out when it‘s just me and you’re out of reach, out of sight and you couldn’t be there even if I wanted you to._  
  
 _It’s scary, but I wouldn’t trade this with anything in the world. I might not even be able to say how much you mean to me now but I wish I could show you so you wouldn’t have to think of leaving me, but that’s just wishful thinking._  
  
 _You might not love me as much as I love you now but I guess for now, it’s enough that you’re here – that you’re trying to give me at least half of what you know you can only give, and that’s alright with me._  
  
 _Maybe it’s not enough, maybe it is, but I couldn’t be sure when all I wanted was to look at you and savor this moment for as long as I could. I wanted to touch you but I was afraid the magic would break and then I’d realize this was all but a dream – a beautiful one but a dream nonetheless._  
  
 _But you opened your eyes and smiled at me, reached over and touched my face and right then and there, I knew I was in too deep and that there was no other way out. You had me the first time you smiled and held your hand out, and you had me again this morning when you called my name, tugged my head down for a kiss._  
  
 _You had me for life, Oh-chan, and there was no backing out, no way to reverse this anymore._  
  
 _You own me. All of me. And it’s pretty certain this was just the beginning._  
  
"Oh  _god,_  Nino," he was sobbing by the time he had his face buried into his hands, wondering why he and Nino had to fall apart when it was so clear that they loved -- still love each other so damn much. 


	9. Volume 8 : It's not over till it's over

**Title**  : [Fic] Book of Tears 8/12  
 **Author**  : Jadey  
 **Pairing**  : Ohmiya (Ohno/Nino)  
 **Rating**  : R  
 **Genre** : Angst/Romance  
 **Disclaimer**  : fiction, yo!  
 **Word count**  : 1870 words  
 **Summary**  : One year after their break up, Ohno found something of Nino’s that would make him want to revisit the past.  
 **Note**  : soooo, this chapter :D I can't say I'm happy with this but only because I had to include something that most people didn't want to remember anymore XD but let's just say it's part of the plot and that because of this, Chapter 9 had been written out and is ready to be posted by tomorrow or the next day. As always, this is for the lovelies, [](http://sweetspicyhot.livejournal.com/profile)[ **sweetspicyhot**](http://sweetspicyhot.livejournal.com/)  because she said she liked this fic very much <3, [](http://renchan27.livejournal.com/profile)[ **renchan27**](http://renchan27.livejournal.com/) , darling, take it easy okay? [](http://gambitsfox.livejournal.com/profile)[ **gambitsfox**](http://gambitsfox.livejournal.com/) , let's see how far my idea of angst will take me, yeah? [](http://carey-chan.livejournal.com/profile)[ **carey_chan**](http://carey-chan.livejournal.com/) , love, how are you doing? Anyway, this; is also for everyone who follows this fic even though this is so dramatic and did I say dramatic? XD  
  
  
 **([Collapse](http://jade-lil.livejournal.com/272149.html#cutid1)  )**

  
**Volume 8 : It's not over till it's over**

 

He had his face buried into his hands far longer than he would have wanted but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Even his previous fear of being caught had somewhat became just a blurry affair, finding himself regretting every single thing he did, or in his and Nino’s case, everything that he wished he did but didn’t because he’s nothing but a certified idiot.

He couldn’t even bring himself to further flip the pages, knowing what was in store for him and his already aching heart. It was difficult enough to realize that even after all those years he had let himself believe he was over Nino, it was a thousand times worst to know that Nino never, not even while he was keeping that tough up act, ever stopped loving him, too.

It’s hard to accept that while he was mending his pain in his own, stupid ways, Nino was quietly watching him, heartbroken and miserable.

But that wasn’t just it, right? Because for all the wrongs he did, Nino had his shares of them, too. There were times he thought he was  _this_  close to begging Nino to take him back, so damn close to grabbing Nino and just held on to him, never let him go but then everytime he was so close to doing exactly that, something had to happen and he remembered crushing that urge until what remained of it was just the bitter memories of himself slumped in a dark corner, cursing and sobbing Nino’s name.

It was about six months ago, he remembered clearly, when he witnessed one that had him thinking he and Nino were done for good.

Now, as he grabbed Journal no. 6 again, fingers furiously turning the pages and later on finding the date exactly as he remembered it happened, the urge to laugh was too strong he had to bite his tongue to smother it, settling back and staring at the entry in quiet disbelief.

He didn’t even need to read it to know that it was exactly what he wished it was back then, half-glad and half-regretting doubting Nino when he should have known better not to.

 

_Nozomi-san is freaking the hell out of me._

_I knew it was stupid to begin with, going home with her to hang out because girls don’t just invite you for a drink, in her own apartment without a motive. And really, I’m old enough in this fucking business to tell the difference between a friendly invite and a not-so friendly one._

_I remembered she said we’d be alone, then somehow, we weren’t anymore; I remembered she offered me freshly brewed coffee that she apparently ordered abroad (since she said she knew I love coffee); then there were take-out food and two bottles of beer, which I remembered became four and then things kind of just turned blurry from then on._

_I remembered there was a puppy, a black but cute one, and then somehow someone other than us was there, holding a camera as Nozomi-san handed me the puppy._

_I wasn’t sure what happened after that because the next thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the puppy barking at my face while I was laying face-down across Nozomi-san’s couch, and I was apparently the only one there, Nozomi-san and her mysterious friend weren’t around as I scanned the place and left as soon as I realized I was alone._

_A few months after, the pictures leaked out and the rumor about me dating her hit the front pages of that stupid tabloid._

_It was fine then, because I was sure Management knew how to handle those things with finesse but they sure didn’t count her resolving to contacting me personally and being a general nuisance when all I ever wanted was to be left alone._

_God, I have enough problems to deal with than her face showing up every goddamn time I feel like dragging Oh-chan away to apologize. I wonder why the guys never asked me what the fuck was between the two of us whenever she pops in unannounced, smiling like an innocent angel and asking if I was free to talk._

_Like she did today, after we’re done filming and she just sort of waltzed in, smiled and asked me if she could talk to me for a bit. I was too tired and was too frustrated to even argue so I just nodded and dragged her towards the nearest vending machine where I could also buy something to drink._

_I was vibrating with frustration, badly in need of caffeine and cigarette and the last thing I needed was some stalker-like, wannabe actress tailing my ass but damn it, I should have known._

_Oh-chan had been particularly quiet all throughout the filming and if not for Jun’s occasional nudging, he would probably end up saying nothing for the whole fucking episode. I was sitting next to him and I couldn’t do anything, hadn’t had the chance to do the nudging myself because I was too busy keeping my hands from reaching out to touch him and my emotions in check that sitting next to the man I’m still so madly in love with had to be the biggest torture yet._

_I know I was the one who did this, but the distance between us was gnawing at me at every turn. It shouldn’t feel that way when he’s right there, sitting just next to me but it doesn’t feel that way at all. It’s as if he’s miles away even though we are sitting right next to each other, as if I could no longer tell what he’s thinking even though I’ve been perfectly good at reading him before._

_This and more was what’s been bugging me and honestly, I don’t need another headache even when that said headache came in the form of a very pretty and a seemingly very willing girl who was actually standing behind me. I could feel her breathing down my neck and it was distractingly disgusting that I found myself taking another step forward away from her, as my thoughts went back to Oh-chan and Oh-chan’s unusually quiet demeanor._   
_I shouldn’t analyze further into it but I couldn’t help it, I’m worried. I’ve never seen him like this, even after the night we broke up; his mind was somewhere else, and he couldn’t quite focus. I knew it would be wishful thinking in my part but I could feel his eyes at the back of my head even though I’m sure he wasn’t looking at me, could feel the furious beat of his pulse even despite the distance that it was driving me crazy._

_Something was wrong with Oh-chan and I didn’t even know how to ask him, because I know, I don’t have the right to. It had ceased the moment I told him we were done and so I had to live through this knowing that this was my fault._

_Everything was._

_I just remembered I was with her the minute I heard her call my name, her fingers against my elbow jerked me back to the present._

_I asked her what drink she preferred, though she never really asked me for anything whenever I asked, but it’s the principle of the thing so I asked, everytime, just to be polite, I think. But then the next time I turned, she was flinging her arms around my neck and leaning in, catching me by surprise and giving me the filthiest kiss she could probably muster._

_So, okay, I wasn’t expecting that but my reaction to what she did was unexpected either. Because instead of pushing her off, curse her to hell and back for doing something like that in public, my  brain just sort of shut down on itself and I froze, allowing her to deepen the kiss as I remained stock-still._

_Remember the thing about my overflowing stupidity? Right, I had an over-abundance of stupidity that made me think how I’m still alive and breathing. Must be because Aiba-chan had more and it would be a shame to him if I was to go down because of it before him._

_God, I don’t even know what the fuck I’m talking about now._

_So back to the bitch who just grabbed me and started eating my face, I think I found the brains to actually push her off the minute I heard something, or think I heard something because the next time I raised my head, no one was there. Nozomi-san even found the grace to step forward, possibly to try and kiss me again but I’m not that dumb to let it happen the second time. Who knows if the bitch had a camera installed in her and I’m not that stupid to let her take advantage of me that away again. I was wiping my mouth with the back of my palm and pushing her by her shoulders with my other free hand as I glared warningly at her._

Leave _, was the only thing I told her before I marched away, feeling wholly disgusted with myself, not even waiting for her to step away first, forcing myself to walk away and left._

_She might have said something but I wouldn’t know; I was walking too fast one would think the devil was after me, but come to think of it, that maybe right._

_She was the devil personified, afterall, and I’m not even kidding._

_That girl was bad news._

 

 

“I bet she was,” he muttered to himself as he closed the journal and lifted it to put it back to its place, grinning even though he wasn’t sure what right he was given to laugh at something that had happened so long ago. But he knew why, of course; the relief was just one thing that had made smiling a little easier now, knowing that the pain they both went through before was because of their combined but separate stupidity.

He remembered being there, hiding in the shadows as the girl who had been rumoured to be Nino's girlfriend kissed Nino like she wanted nothing else but Nino’s lips right then. He remembered feeling like he was stabbed in the gut, repeatedly, as Nino remained still and she kept kissing him passionately.

He remembered feeling like he was staring at the best part of his life disappearing in front of his very eyes, remembered the clawing pain in his chest he didn’t know how to handle then. He never thought he could experience getting his heart broken the second time around but he did and it was then, seeing Nino kiss another person that wasn’t him. It was then when he decided it was probably high time he let it go, to stop hoping that one day, he’d open his door to find Nino waiting there, asking to be let in.

He wished he didn’t wait a whole year to do the ‘ _letting in’_  himself because then at least things wouldn’t have ended this way.

But as he stared at the thicker journal that Nino had marked ‘MEMORIES’ again, he knew it would be easier to hope now.

He’d get Nino back, and that’s the one thing he’s sure of.


	10. Volume 9 : Future Plans

He was in the middle of sketching Nino’s face, with Nino’s journal lying next to him when Jun called to inform him Nino was back in Japan.  
  
“Do you think he’d notice if, say, a journal from the stack goes missing?” he asked Jun, apropos of anything and got a series of swear words in return.   
  
“What the fuck, Leader --!” Jun was still cursing and he resisted the urge to smile, fingering the words ‘MEMORIES’ written in front of Nino’s journal, which he had taken with him when he left Nino’s place. “Please don’t tell me you did what I think you did,” Jun followed and he had to smile, couldn’t not, because seriously, hadn’t Jun expected that?  
  
“I had to,” he told Jun, putting his pencil down and wedging his phone in between his neck and shoulder to grab the heavy journal. “I wasn’t able to finish this particular one, and I couldn’t just leave it there without reading the rest. I mean, this isn’t the same as the others,” he explained, though he wasn’t sure if Jun would understand.  
  
“Oh god, you were referring to the thickest one, aren’t you?” Jun said, and he was honestly surprised that he almost dropped the journal in shock.   
  
“You know about this too?” he asked, then heard Jun made a sort-of pained noise from the other end. He could imagine Jun rolling his eyes to the heaven, probably thinking why he had to be that person who listened to his friends talk about their love problems and such.  
  
“Not to that extent, no,” Jun replied and he seriously felt relieved at that, because really, the later entries were too, hmmm, how should he say it, explicit for other people to see them. There were even photos of him showering, of him without his clothes on, of him and Nino doing things and he seriously didn’t think Jun was  _that_ brave to actually go through the entries himself without ending up puking.  
  
He smiled at that. “Thank fuck,” he muttered, and Jun sort of snorted in reply.   
  
“Thank fuck I didn’t try,” Jun said, “or I’m sure I would be scarred for life,”   
  
He couldn’t help but tease Jun some more. “Well, I’m not going to deny that Nino was very thorough. There were pictures even, and let me tell you, there’s one with him on his knees and –“  
  
“Fuck you, Leader, I don’t want to hear anymore!” Jun wailed, and he couldn’t help but be consumed with his laughter, barely listening as Jun bombarded him with disgusted words and why the hell was he being told these things?   
  
“I love you, Jun-kun,” he said at last, knowing that for whatever it’s worth, he had his bandmates to back him up all the way. “and thank you, for listening, for being there. I never thought I’d be able to laugh like this ever again, but thanks to you, I’m now able to do that and hopefully, more,”  
  
There was about a fraction of a second’s silence before Jun spoke again, and he sounded very serious now.  
  
“So, what’s the plan?” Jun asked, “Are you going to talk to Nino or are you going to wait for a little bit until, you know, he’s settled and such?”  
  
He hummed, taking the journal again and laying it securely on top of his folded knees. He could imagine Nino writing his thoughts, compiling every single thing he thought was important and crying as he did so. He wished that the next time Nino would stare at this, he wouldn’t be crying anymore, and that they’d be doing the reminiscing together.  
  
He really hoped that.  
  
But to be able to do that, he needed Jun’s help again. “That’s generally what I was thinking but –“  
  
“But?”  
  
“Jun, I need your help again,” he told Jun, “but we have to do this right and we have to make it so Nino wouldn’t think I am doing it just because I was recently aware of his journal’s existence,”  
  
Jun remained silent, so he kept talking. “I want Nino to see it for himself, to hear it himself that nothing’s changed, at least about how I feel for him,”  
  
“Leader, I don’t see how you’re –“  
  
He cut Jun off with a curt, “Hear me out, okay?” he said, “This is what we’re going to do –“  
  
  
+++  
  
  
He got off the phone not even a few minutes ago, feeling smugly satisfied with  how his stupid plans turned out. Jun was reluctant at first but after much deliberation, he gave in, noting that it had to be specifically done at the perfect time and during the perfect situation for it to work, which he agreed wholeheartedly.  
  
Of course he knew it wouldn’t be easy. And judging with how weary and distant Nino was when they were within the same vicinity, he and Jun have to improvise a little bit.  
  
And well, he guessed he could work on that. Jun had a few suggestions of his own that he made sure he remembered, imagining the easiest and most effective ways to deliver their plans without compromising his intentions or Jun himself. He knew they have to be careful because Nino was nothing but clever, but he was going to hold on to the fact that in spite of everything, he was still the only person who had the power to distract Nino and he was hell bent on utilizing that fact to his advantage.  
  
He flipped the journal open to the page where he had bookmarked, carefully sliding his fingers across the page and smiling at the memory of the particular photo pasted on the center of it.   
  
It was him, of course, holding Nino’s guitar with his fingers poised on the strings; he didn’t look like he was aware he was being photographed, staring down at what looked like Nino’s lyric sheet as he sat there.  
  
  
Below, Nino wrote;  
  
  
OH-CHAN LEARNING TO PLAY THE GUITAR.  
  
  
He grinned because really, he didn’t think he was anywhere as good as Nino. Sure he could pluck the strings and could make a decent tune (at least the ones he could still remember) but he wouldn’t say he was good enough to even play it in front of an audience. Nino taught him few of the basic and easier chords to remember, even had him try it a couple of times but compared to Nino, he knew he still sucked.  
  
He thumbed the guitar on the photo and wondered why he didn’t think of finding it when he was back at Nino’s place, but quickly dismissed the idea and just opted on reading on.  
  
  
 _Seriously, if he’d say he wanted to learn how to play, I know he’d be good at it, then there’d be no need for me to be in Arashi. But how can I say no when he looks at me like that, when he only needs to hold my guitar and my brain would just shut down on itself with how perfect they look together, and god, he hasn’t even played yet._  
  
  
He grinned here, touching the words Nino had written before he turned the page. This time, he could honestly feel the way his cheeks burned, his heartbeat racing as he gazed at the photo of himself, eyes in mid-wink and lips parted, arms crossed over his chest, naked from waist up and leaning against Nino’s piano as he stared back at the camera.  
  
It was pretty tame, compare to the ones he already saw; the ones where he was buttnaked and showering, and another with his hand on top of Nino’s head (because the shot just sort of caught the mass of dark hair with his fingers tangled through it).  
  
But he knew exactly what happened here, after this particular photo had been taken.  
  
He didn’t need to read Nino’s take on this because he remembered, clearly, like it just happened the day before.  
  
  
“ _Why do you always take photos of me?” he asked Nino, crossing his arms over his chest, faking a scowl as he did so. “Maybe you’re planning on using those against me if ever I screw up, yeah?” he said, now seriously considering the fact that maybe, possibly, that was what the photos are all about._  
  
 _Nino seemed to ignore him entirely and paused from clicking, raising his head to stare up at him._  
  
 _“Take the shirt off, Oh-chan,” Nino said – commanded; he grimaced in return. “Come on,” Nino cooed._  
  
 _“Nino, it’s fucking November, and it’s cold,” he whined, “are you trying to kill me? If you are, then –“_  
  
 _“I just need one more photo without that ugly shirt on, please?” Nino said, smiling so sweetly that was surely fake but as it was, he still wasn’t immune to those kind of things, most especially when it came from Nino._  
  
 _“Ugly?” he retorted under his breath, “This shirt is ugly? But aren’t you the one who bought this for me?” he said, already tugging the said shirt off of him._  
  
 _Nino smiled and aimed his camera at him again. “It’s ugly, I don’t even know why you’re wearing it,” he said and then the camera shutter clicked just as he was leaning back, crossing his arms over his chest again._  
  
 _“You tell me, but I bet you prefer it better if I’m fully naked,” he teased, hovered his fingers over the button of his fly and grinned at Nino. “but then you’d have to stop taking pictures and do something else instead,” he added, and made a good show at teasing Nino further by cupping himself and rolling his hips the way he knew Nino liked it._  
  
 _“Satoshi, don’t,” Nino warned from where he was. “You promised,” Nino added, but he was putting his camera down and his gaze was trained on his fingers, on his hips doing the sultry move he knew was enough to have Nino hot and bothered within seconds._  
  
 _Well, yes, maybe he did promise to behave because Nino said the last time he had taken pictures of him was from a week ago and really, he was badly in need of new ones. He still didn’t get it but as far as he could tell, Nino just liked to take photos, sort of memorabilia. And really, he didn’t care much so long as those pictures don’t leak out or something._  
  
 _But screw that because right now, his dick sure want to do something else, and Nino would be lying if he’d say he didn’t know this._  
  
 _He did another hip roll and followed it with a thrust that Sho-kun liked doing himself during concerts, grinning to himself when he heard the sounds of Nino’s gasps, followed by the sound of the camera as it hit the floor._  
  
 _“You fucking tease –“ Nino was growling as he crossed the short distance between them, pulling him forward by his belt and sealing his mouth over his._  
  
 _He was panting within seconds, felt Nino’s hands on him as he was swiftly being backed against Nino’s piano and watching Nino as Nino slowly dropped on his knees in the same fucking breath._  
  
  
“Oh god, Kazu –“ he moaned, and realized he was coming in between his fingers, barely realizing he was touching himself and coming with just the memory of Nino’s mouth and fingers on him.  
  
He was panting still when he opened his eyes, a slow, lazy smile curving the side of his mouth, lifting his hand up and inspecting the mess he did.  
  
“Soon,” he told himself, imagining Nino’s face as he did so.


	11. Volume 10: Heartbreak

“Anyone who wants to receive something, line up please,” was the first thing that came out from Nino’s mouth the moment he slipped into the greenroom, putting his bags down and grinning. He was smiling though the tiredness was evident at the way his shoulders were hunched but he looked rather relieved to be back, happy even, and he had to literally command himself not to spring from the couch and tug Nino into a fierce hug.  
  
Aiba was the first, as always, to get to Nino before the rest of them were able to, tackling Nino to the ground and laughing, Nino’s presents were left forgotten on the floor.  
  
“Aiba-chan, behave,” Jun reprimanded from where he was standing, hovering over the two who were wrestling each other like a couple of crazed pups. “You might need to be careful, Aiba-chan,” Jun added, but their youngest friend’s gaze was on him, “Nino sure looked like he hadn’t had a decent meal since he left Japan, and if you’re not careful, you might end up breaking few bones –“  
  
Aiba wailed, cutting Jun off and then Nino was up on his feet within seconds, brushing some imaginary dust off his clothes.  
  
“Glad to know you missed me too, J,” Nino said, ignoring Aiba’s dramatic wail from the floor, clutching his crotch which Nino apparently kneeled in retaliation. Then he was directing his gaze towards Sho, nodding at the other man and then lastly, Nino turned to him and said, “I got you that oil pastel you forgot to buy when we went to New York, Ohno-san,”    
  
He smiled and threw Nino a seemingly distracted thumbs up, though he was feeling anything but. In fact, he was simply trying to keep himself from jumping from the couch and tackling Nino to the ground himself, to kiss him right then and there.  
  
His heart was near to bursting and it wasn’t just because Nino was here, finally, but the fact that now, every little thing, every little gesture Nino opted on doing in his favor would no longer confuse the fuck out of him, at least after the surprising revelation he just learned a day before.  
  
Because now he knew – should have known Nino hadn’t stopped loving him, the same way he hadn’t stopped loving Nino.  
  
“Thanks,” he mumbled towards Nino’s general direction, and then, like an afterthought, “Everyone free for dinner later? My treat,” he said, wondering if he sounded as hopeful as he felt, but at this point, he cared so little for that.  
  
He caught Jun’s careful gaze, knew that in spite of everything, Jun was still weary about pushing through with his suggested plans to be confident. And he couldn’t blame Jun, not really, because even he himself wasn’t confident enough, most especially now. But it had to be done because there was no way he’s going to wait for another fucking year just to get back what he thought he’d lost this past year.  
  
“Sho-kun?” he turned to see Sho thumbing through his planner. Sho looked up when he asked, “Free?”   
  
“I’m all yours after nine,” Sho grinned, closing his planner, “that is, if all four of you are okay with that. I know it’s a little late for dinner, but –“  
  
“I’m done with everything after seven,” Jun cut in, “Aiba-chan and Leader are free after five, so,” he paused only to direct his gaze towards Nino, and pointing. “that leaves  _you_ , Mr. Hollywood star, to confirm whether it’s okay for you to  –“  
  
Nino grinned and threw his arms out dramatically. “Hey, I just came back,” he said, “and I’m sure my manager isn’t that cruel to dump work on me when I haven’t even slept properly,”  
  
“So it’s set,” Jun agreed, “but let’s not go out this time, yeah?” They all frowned at this and Jun rolled his eyes heavenwards. “That means I’m inviting you assholes to my apartment,” he said, and everyone sort of grinned and mumbled ‘ _ahhs_ ’ at him. “I’ll cook whatever I can and you jerks bring whatever drinks you can. I think I only have a few bottles of beer in my fridge, and anyway, my house isn’t your personal bar so, yeah,”  
  
“Jun-kun is so sweet,” Nino cooed before he’s off to yell at Aiba, commanding the taller man to grab the presents he apparently spent a fortune with, and had Aiba helped him as he started separating the take-away bags.  
  
“I’ll just follow you guys once we wrapped up the filming for Zero,” Sho told them, “I’ll try to bring something to munch on while we’re drinking. Just finger-foods or something,” Jun nodded in agreement.  
  
“Beers’ on me, and everything you guys want to drink aside from that,” he exclaimed, earning him a round of ‘woots and that’s our Leader!’ from Aiba and Nino.  
  
Jun was by his side the next instant, inconspicuously keeping a straight face as he mumbled, “You sure you’re going through with it tonight?”  
  
He didn’t bother raising his head as he continued to play on his phone, or at least pretending to play as Jun nudged him by his shoulder.  
  
“Yeah,” he mumbled back with a pout, “no better time than the present,” he added, trying to sound confident though he’s feeling anything but.   
  
“Fine then,” Jun said, “Just – Just let me know when it’s on so I could –“  
  
He nodded. “I will, don’t worry,” he said, and that’s the last they told each other before Jun sauntered away to apparently join Aiba and Nino, to check the presents himself.  
  
He heaved a sigh as his thoughts went back to the entry he had read this morning before his manager came to pick him up.  
  
Honestly, he wasn’t expecting _that_  to be included in the journal where almost all of the entries are about his and Nino’s memories together. It was on the very last few pages, occupying almost three entire pages of the detailed description of the night he and Nino – or rather, the night Nino broke up with him.  
  
He wondered why Nino had decided to put it there, to include it in the collection of happy (and mostly filthy memories) when he could just put it somewhere else. He knew he lost all the right to question Nino and Nino’s action that very same night, but really, he was left wondering (and mostly hurting, again) to be reminded of the same thing he longed to forget along with the pain.  
But because Nino was Nino, he knew Nino had his reasons for doing everything he did up until now. Even Nino’s reasons for breaking up with him (no matter how silly they are), he could very well understand now. And that was why he had to do this.   
  
It might be difficult to get Nino back with just one try but that was to be expected. Nino had no idea what he felt, what he still feel for the other man and so he needed to do whatever it takes for Nino to understand that he wasn’t the only one who had been hurt because of this.   
  
He would do it; he’d die trying if that’s what it would take to get Nino back.  
  
  
+++  
  
 _22 nd May 2012_  
 _TBS Studio – Parking B_  
  
  
 _It was exactly half-past ten when he appeared, looking horribly exhausted._  
  
 _My first reaction was worry, of course, but I forced it down along with all those other emotions I only ever feel when he’s near. He’s wearing that shirt I told him not to wear anymore, the baseball cap that Sho gave me (which he ended up using anyway) was twisted backwards and it made him look a tiny bit younger than his age. Just a tiny bit because the bags under his eyes and the way he was slouching further into himself as if he was seconds away from falling face-first to the ground was making it too hard for me to look at the man I was still madly in love with and not feel hurt while doing so._  
  
 _There was a ghost of smile curling at the edges of his mouth but maybe, I was just imagining it. I couldn’t even remember the last time we stayed at one place long enough to cuddle, to talk or just hang out; there hadn’t been any chance for me to really look at him because he’d been too busy, I’ve been too busy, and the only possible time to hug him was in between filming breaks where I certainly couldn’t, because really, what with all those people surrounding us, that was just not possible, wasn’t it?_  
  
 _The painful thing was that he didn’t seem too affected by it; he didn’t even look like he even missed those days when I would simply fling myself onto him, hang onto him like a live spare-part because well, even dorks had to grow up. The unnecessary touching and goofing around was only cute when we were younger and apparently, at our age, people expected us to be mature enough not to do what we used to._  
  
 _But behind closed doors, with no one around to see it, to witness it, should it still be like this?_  
  
 _“Nino,” was the first thing I heard from him the minute he was close enough to talk without having to raise his voice. He was scratching at the back of his neck and looking around distractedly as if to check for any unwanted company, though I personally made sure we were alone here before I called him out._  
  
 _I know that the company parking lot wasn’t the best choice for this kind of talk but to hell with it. I couldn’t catch him at home and even if I could, he was either out cold or about to leave the house for a fishing trip. And really, I had enough of all these; one more day without letting these all out and I might snap in front of an audience. Which wouldn’t look good in my resume some day, so, yeah._  
  
 _It’s now or never._  
  
 _“Hey,” I greeted him, though I didn’t make an effort to reach over and touch his face as my way of greeting him. In fact, I had my arms around me, hugging myself protectively as he stood there and stared at me as if he couldn’t decide whether he should do something or not. “You still need to go back, yeah?”_  
  
 _He nodded. “Still needs to shoot a few more scenes,” he said, muffling his yawns behind one palm. The rush of concern flooded my whole being again as I looked him over, his unusually skinny frame that was always the result of excessive work and limited rest. “Probably going to stretch until morning, again, so –“_  
  
 _“Few more episodes, just hang in there,” I told him, because hell, whatever I was about to do and say, it didn’t have anything to do with his work or mine. And because I’m sure he needed to hear that more than anything, more so than the thing I was about to tell him._  
  
 _“Yeah,” he said, walking a few steps back so he could lean against the side of my car. “So what’s up? Why’d you call me out here? Is there something wrong?”_  
  
 _I swallowed hard but kept my gaze somewhere else, on the tips of my shoes, anywhere that wasn’t his face. I knew I wouldn’t be able to say it if I was staring at him so –_  
  
 _“Everything,” I mumbled, and I spied him leaning forward._  
  
 _“What?” he asked._  
  
 _“Everything,” I repeated, and at that point I knew I had to look him in the eyes and say it to his face. “Everything’s wrong,” I said, not blinking as he was, too._  
  
 _He took a step forward but I held out my hand. “Kazu, what’s the problem? What’s this about?”_  
  
 _I heaved a heavy breath and forced the panic down, knowing that I could read the same in his eyes. But that didn’t mean he was feeling the same way, because at this point, whatever I would say next would mean one thing._  
  
 _The end of everything._  
  
 _“Nino –“_  
  
 _“Let’s break up, Oh-chan,” there, I said it. Looking into his eyes, I followed it with, “Let’s break up because it’s obviously not working anymore. You and me, we’re not – it’s not the same as before, you know? And I’m sure you’re aware of that, too; there’s just – there’s no use continuing like this if we’re only forcing ourselves and –“_  
  
 _“What? What?”_  
  
 _The panic was slowly clawing its way in my chest, so I had to look down and avoid his eyes again. There was something in his voice that made me want to take back everything I just said, something in the way his eyes regarded me that made me think of the first time I saw the same look on his face._  
  
 _But that was so long ago that even I was unsure if it really happened, letting my breath out in a rush as I again forced myself to look up, finding him looking  back at me, face gone unreadable, just like always._  
  
 _“I didn’t mean to do this when you’re already occupied with so many other things but I guess – I think this is for the better, yeah? At least you could erase me – this relationship -- from your ever growing list of second priorities so you can focus on what’s important. I – yeah,” I said without pausing, all the while wondering whether I was just saying that to pacify myself because he sure didn’t look like he was expecting this at all._  
  
 _Well, neither did I but – but that’s just how it was, wasn’t it?_  
  
 _“I – I don’t know what to say,” he said, and it almost made me laugh because really, what else was new? What was I even expecting when I stubbornly refused to listen to anyone’s opinion about me and him because I thought I could change him? He said I spoke enough for the two of us, and that was why he seldom talked. But with regards to the two of us? I didn’t think so._  
  
 _I’m just so tired with these entire one-sided affair where half the time I was speaking to myself as if he wasn’t there; too tired with convincing myself he loved me enough to exert a little effort on his part to make this – us – work._  
  
 _“It’s okay,” I told him, regardless of the fact that yes, I do want him to say something – get angry if he had to, yell at me if it’s what he needed to do. I guess I was expecting his answer but that didn’t mean that was what I wanted him to. I guess a little resistance on his part would have been nice, a little rage for bringing this up when he least expected it._  
  
 _When I looked up to check his expression again, there was just --  nothing._  
  
 _His face went back to being impassive and I was sure, right then and there, that my heart was slowly being torn apart and I couldn’t do anything to stop it; because I was looking at the face of the man who owned me, who had the power to make me happy and hurt me in the same fucking breath._  
  
 _“So, I guess that’s it, huh?” I said, because really, was there anything left to say anymore? “I’ll just – I’ll help you pack your stuffs this weekend because I know how horrible you are with that kind of thing, so –“_  
  
 _“Okay,” he said with a gentle nod. “Okay, if that’s – if that’s alright with you, then,”_  
  
 _It wasn’t, but. “That’s fine,” I said, staring at my own hand as if offered to him. “So, yeah. I guess I’ll just see you when I see you, huh, Oh-chan?” I said, bravely masking the pain with a smile so fake I wondered how he didn’t see it._  
  
 _“I guess,” he said, taking my hand and shaking it. “Nino,”_  
  
 _Before I realized it, I was tugging him into my arms and hugging him so tight, wondering how holding him in my arms felt so right when everything else felt so wrong. But that was that and there’s nothing I could do to change it._  
  
 _“Goodbye, Oh-chan,” I said when I pulled myself together enough to let go, rounding the way to my car without turning around to check if he was still there as I drove off._


	12. Volume 11 : The Hardest Thing (1/2)

They’ve piled out of the greenroom a little over three – Aiba and Nino were quickly ushered by their managers towards their next destination – Aiba for his scheduled meeting for TSD and Nino for an emergency meeting regarding his new drama.   
  
Sho went ahead first, as usual, distractedly waving at them and telling them he’d try to come earlier as expected but that he wasn’t promising. Jun followed quickly after him but not before he passed by him and gave him a sort-of good luck slap in the back before he was off to run, his manager tailing after him.  
  
“Busy busy busy,” he muttered under his breath and sighed when his manager sort of just materialized in front of him. “So, where to now, ‘Ji-chan,” he joked, finding a smile for the older man who was adjusting his glasses and checking his daily planner like an old teacher checking his lesson plan.   
  
“Uh, sorry Ohno-kun, did I forget to tell you that the photoshoot for the biscuit commercial has been cancelled and has been re-scheduled to be done next week?” the man asked, sheepish, though he could see the hint of a teasing smile curving the older man’s mouth.   
  
“You old bastard –“ he grinned and reached over to punch his manager lightly on the side, and earning him a good-natured shriek in return. “So does that mean I’m free? The whole afternoon? No shit!”  
  
The man grinned and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.   
  
“You don’t have to thank me,” he said, closing the planner as he said so. “Would you like me to take you home now or --?”  
  
He shook his head. “Let me treat you out to lunch first, then you can drop me home,” he said around a grateful grin, throwing an arm around his manager’s shoulders. “You deserve it anyway,”   
  
The man looked sorely affronted, though the corner of his mouth was twitching. “I think a raise would be a better compensation, if you’re thinking of giving me one,” the man said, shrugging; “just saying,”  
  
“Shall we both go upstairs and personally ask Johnny-san? As you said, I’m free all afternoon, so you can drag me anywhere, at least until seven because I have an appointment set with the members after that. Welcome back dinner for Nino, you know?”  
  
The man threw him a dubious look, reached for his glasses and wiped it using the sleeves of his shirt.  
  
“And risk losing my job? No, thank you; free lunch is okay, shall we go?”  
  
He laughed, boisterous and loud, barely aware about the way his manager regarded him with a relieved smile. He was not sure but it was probably the first time he’d laughed so loud like that again, so carefree, and it was no doubt all because of Nino.   
  
It was so much easier to smile now; so much easier to joke about little things and it hadn’t even been a few days since. He didn’t think there’d ever come a time that he’d look at Nino and wouldn’t feel the pain that accompanied the sight everytime, but now, he hoped – he dared hoped it’d be better.   
  
+++  
  
He stepped inside his apartment, feeling oddly refreshed though he and his manager only had each a bowl of ramen and a bottle of beer to go along with it, talking inanimately about his manager’s son who had just turned six a month ago.   
  
His manager even went with him to the supermarket, helped him buy two cases of beer and three bottles of that expensive sake he knew Jun and Sho liked and had even managed to convince the older man to drop them off back to the Jimusho where Aiba said he had parked his SUV.  
  
He walked the short way from his genkan and past the living room, tiptoeing through a clatter of fishing magazines, canvasses and paintbrushes which he hadn’t bothered to clean up until he reached his bedroom. His gaze had immediately riveted to Nino’s journal (which he literally snatched from Nino’s house and had taken home with him), crossing the distance and lifting it from where he had placed it this morning using both hands.  
  
He’s lying back against his bed’s headboard, shifting comfortably within minutes, the journal resting on top of his folded knees, fingers carefully finding the bookmarked pages he left that morning. He spied the alarm clock sitting at the side table on his right, smiled to himself when he saw that it was only a little over five.   
  
Still plenty of time to read a few entries before he had to call a cab and meet the rest of the guys.  
  
This one was marked 15th September, a little over four months since he and Nino broke up. The page was filled with smudges of tainted ink, like something was spilled all over it. His heart did that stupid  _thump thump_  thing again when he realized what must have spilled there that caused the words to almost fade, letting his fingers brush across the page, imagining Nino’s tears wetting the paper as Nino was writing his thoughts while crying.  
  
First few lines up and he was already reeling, biting his lips hard enough to draw blood.  
  
 _I knew they meant well, they’re my friends afterall, but they’re not me; they weren’t the ones who had to suffer the pain of seeing the love of their life everyday and couldn’t do more than stare after him when he walk away. They weren’t the ones who had to tough it up every fucking time he wished he’d look at me, at least for a second, but wouldn’t because he was too busy looking at someone else to pay attention to me anymore._  
  
 _I knew it was a bad idea to let J drag me out but I let him anyway, because I knew he wouldn’t stop nagging me about it – about letting myself rot at home while the love of my miserable existence was possibly fucking the hell out of somebody. I knew I shouldn’t have let him have his way with me, though it was pretty clear, what with the way I was downing the free drinks, that I allowed it myself anyway._  
  
 _He promised free drinks and I grabbed it. Well, I had to, since those alcoholic shit sure were expensive – I didn’t even have to dilute them with ice, because damn it, J was paying and he sure looked like he was planning on getting me drunk anyway._  
  
 _And that exactly what had happened._  
  
 _I was sure I was a little out of it, but it didn’t mean I was that drunk not to care, that I'd be too drunk not to notice that I somehow ended up with my face mashed against the table top while J asked me questions after questions, stupid as they were. I was aware, yes; possibly dizzy and minutes away from puking my brains out but I held myself back._  
  
 _“You can’t continue doing this to yourself, Nino,” was one of the few and at least clearer things J had said that actually made sense, and I found myself raising my head, though with a little bit of difficulty, to squint at J’s pretty fucking face. “It’s not healthy, and you know it. It’s been, what, a few months now, and as far as we know, Leader’s doing fine and it goes without saying that you should be doing the same thing, too,”_  
  
 _I scowled at him, because, what the hell? “That’s easier said than done, J, and you know it,” I bit back, though it lacked its intended bite. I knew J meant well, they all do, but with regards to this – with regards to how I deal with my heart trying to explode out of my chest every goddamn time Oh-chan was near, they fucking knew nothing._  
  
 _“If it’s so hard –“ J started again, eyeing me carefully, “if it’s too damn difficult, then you shouldn’t have broken up with him in the first place,” J muttered and he sure looked like a man who was nearing the end of his patience._  
  
 _The only problem here was, I had an excuse; he was the one who gave me_ this _as an excuse, no matter how damn stupid an excuse it was, still, I’d take it.  Being drunk sure had its perks, and no matter if I was or not, pretending always worked best -- and I could very well keep my argument at bay however long I fucking liked._  
  
 _“You’re just saying that because you’re not me – because you aren’t the one who had to wake up every goddamn day only to ask yourself what you did wrong. I for one, didn’t want to lose Leader like that, but I was only prolonging what was already inevitable. Leader didn’t love me – doesn’t love me the way he used to and there was no use trying to hold on when you’re the only one trying. It’s not going to work that way,”_  
  
 _J shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, and I for one, didn’t want to believe what I was saying either. But it was the truth -- the painful truth that I knew I had to learn to come to terms with, someday maybe, presently, I wasn’t very sure, but it didn’t mean it would be easy. None of it would._  
  
 _Loving Leader had been too easy, but being in a relationship with him was anything but; there were times when I was so close to punching the hell out of him myself but then he would look at me and I’d remember the many reasons why I kept on forgiving him, why I kept on indulging him till then. Maybe the hardest part was when Leader had stopped giving me reasons to fight, when he had stopped looking back when I called his name._  
  
 _Loving him maybe easy, the other parts too hard, but the hardest would be when I had to step back, when I had to tell him it was over when it was fucking obvious that it never would be. At least on my part, it wouldn’t._  
  
 _“Nino –“_  
  
 _“I’m – I’m working on it, J, okay? I promise I am. Just –“ I paused here, because if I didn’t I knew I’d cry and J would probably give me hell for it. “It’s still a little bit difficult, you see? I just – I still missed him, you know? I – I can’t even fucking sleep in my own bed without wanting to cry my eyes out because my arms keep reaching for him even though I know he’s not there. It’s stupid, I know it’s fucking stupid but –“_  
  
 _“You’re never ever going to move on if you’re like that, Nino,” J cut me off, and I looked up at him and shook my head. Thank goodness for pointing out the obvious, Matsumoto-san._  
  
 _“So what do you suggest I should do?” I asked, daring him; I knew I’m threading through dangerous waters now but hell, I was still drunk right? So I was still entitled to bite out a couple more bullshits and get away with it, too. “Disappear?” I outright snorted here while I was trying to take a sip of my margarita and coughed; shit, inhaling alcohol did hurt like a bitch._  
  
 _J handed me a paper towel without even being prompted._  
  
 _“Close,” he said, “I think you ought to keep your distance from Leader for a bit. If he’s there, leave the room if you have to, just, I don’t know, maybe avoid being close to him for the time being. I can suggest putting you guys on different schedules for filming – recording wouldn’t be a problem since we’ve been doing that individually anyway. You just have to be professional enough to work with him during Shiyagare shoots, though, but I will make sure you won’t end up partnered with him for the –“_  
  
 _“No, Jun, please,” I muttered then as I reached over to grab J’s wrist tightly; I didn’t know what came over me, but it suddenly felt like I was being suffocated, like I was suddenly breathing underwater and choking._  
  
 _“Nino, you know I’m doing this for you; I can’t – I’m your friend, okay? And I can see this is killing you already and I’m not going to just stand here and watch you do that to yourself,”_  
  
 _I shook my head, kept shaking it until everything I thought I could keep locked in was slowly but surely spinning out of my control. I had to bite my tongue to keep the words from spilling, but the tears surely didn’t want to be reined in this time as they fell from my eyes and the only thing I could see was the shape Jun’s mouth made as he called my name._  
  
 _“Nino –“_  
  
 _“That’d be all I have left of him, J,” I said and knew that I was trembling with all the emotions I had bravely kept at bay, “seeing him everyday is what has kept me alive till now, so don’t you dare take that away from me, please, I’m begging you,” I said, crying openly now and wasn’t even the least bit ashamed of it; I’d have to use that drunk excuse to its fullest, I truly intend to, but right now, letting these all out seemed like the better plan._  
  
 _“Nino, you don’t know what you’re saying – this, this isn’t –“_  
  
 _“I know what I’m asking you,” I told him, seizing his wrist and letting him know I’m very much sober for this shit, even if he thought I wasn’t. “Jun, I had to give him up because I know he’s no longer happy, but it doesn’t mean that’s what I want, okay? I had to give him his freedom because his happiness is what’s important, much more important than mine, so I had to give it to him, you understand? I can be miserable all my life, I don’t care, I wouldn’t, I swear – so long as I’m sure he’d be there when I turn around to check him out even though he wouldn’t look back, that he’d be there if I wanted to see him even though he’s looking at someone else. He’s the love of my life, the reason I'm still breathing, Jun; and I have already resigned myself to letting that love walk away from me, because I can still breathe knowing that he’s just out there, happy even without me. Because I know I can still see him the next day, and the next, probably; so at least let me have that much, Jun. Let me have that much and it’ll be enough,”_  
  
 _The next thing I knew, I had been tugged into the fiercest hugs I have ever received in my life, as I sobbed wordlessly against one of my longest friend’s shoulder as he held me close._  
  
  
He closed the journal and bit his lips. There were no words to describe how painful it was to go through Nino’s memories as if he was there himself, and even a hundred times more painful knowing that he was the reason for it.  
  
He didn’t want to downplay everything but as it was, the only thing he could do now was to fix this. And that’s exactly what he should do, as he put the journal back down and went straight to take a shower.


	13. Volume 11 : The Hardest Thing (2/2)

_16 th September 2012_  
  
 _I don’t know when my personal life started to be like some cheesy daytime drama that my friends like to follow, because really, I don’t think there’s anything interesting in it._  
  
 _Well maybe aside from how I’m secluding myself to the world and later on crying my guts out in front of one of those jerks I called ‘friends’, as far as I can tell, my life is just as boring as the next guy who likes games and hamburger steak more than girls and some even ridiculously expensive food to boot._  
  
 _But apparently, my life really is that interesting to have Sakurai Sho’s attention on me, while Matsumoto Jun and Aiba Masaki hover in a distance, wearing twin looks of pity on their faces._  
  
 _“Nino,” Sakurai Sho-chan, our dedicated mother, called, or more aptly, hissed my name. “You have to stop doing this to yourself; like, right now before I am forced to do something drastic… something you know we both wouldn’t like,”_  
  
 _I hummed from where I was slouched, still a bit dizzy from last night’s – or rather, this morning’s drinking session with the high and mighty Matsumoto Jun._  
  
 _“Leave me alone,” I grumbled, because seriously, I already had this talk with Jun and there was no way I was going to repeat the same thing over again. Not at work and definitely not with the chances of Leader walking in on us while we’re having this stupid heart to heart talk was at its likeliest._  
  
 _“Not if you’re like this,” Mother Sho insisted and I felt the side of the couch dipped and a comforting weight soon settled over my shoulders. “God, Nino, what are we supposed to do with you? You’re miserable because of your own stubbornness, which you could have prevented if only –“_  
  
 _“I’m not going to talk to him, if that’s what you’re going to bitch about, Mom,” I muttered, because really, were they seriously thinking that I should go and corner Leader so we could talk? Did they think things could be resolved just like that? They knew nothing and I sure as hell wouldn’t let anyone tell me what I should do when everything was as clear as they were now._  
  
 _I and Leader was a done thing -- finished, through; and there was nothing they could have said that would change that fact for the better._  
  
 _Sho heaved a sigh probably as deep as the Pacific Ocean, his hold around me tightened marginally. I couldn’t help but leaned in closer to him, because I was sure that even through the biting remarks I kept throwing their way, they knew me and they knew me well._  
  
 _“If it hurts that much, then why did you do it?” he asked and I wondered when my bandmates became like a broken recorded tune because I was sure I heard that same line from Matsumoto-san’s pretty mouth the night before._  
  
 _“Had to be done,” was my simple answer and didn’t even bother hiding the way my shoulders were shaking when Sho hugged me tighter._  
  
 _“But it doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do,” Sho said, more like whispered, and I shrugged. “I heard you didn’t even give Satoshi-kun the chance to talk,”_  
  
 _“There’s nothing to talk about,”_  
  
 _“How are you so sure?” Sho asked, clearly frustrated and exasperated. “Did you happen to have a look inside the man’s head? Because I would certainly say you saw something wrong and he doesn’t –“_  
  
 _“Love me anymore, and that’s that,” I said; seriously, I didn’t know how many times I’d said it that it actually starting to depress me even more, so as this lame tactic my friend were trying just to make me talk._  
  
 _“Nino –“_  
  
 _“I’ll be fine,” I said, at least meaning it this time because there was nothing I could do about it anymore, anyway. And besides, having these three around for company, hovering over me and looking at me as if I would throw myself out the 30 th floor window whenever I got the chance was seriously degrading. “Stop worrying over me, it’ll give you premature wrinkles,”_  
  
 _“I already have them since I was eighteen and I was thrown into the same group with you guys,” Sho said, sounding exasperatedly fond._  
  
 _“We love you too, Mom,” I whispered back and allowed one tighter squeeze before he let go, just in time for Leader to walk in._  
  
  
+++  
  
He was already inside a cab when he remembered to call Jun.  
  
“Leader, are you on your way?” Jun asked after their customary hi’s and hello’s. “I’m home, now, so if you want to come over –“  
  
“I’m on my way,” he said, barely aware that the fingers he had wrapped around his phone were trembling and he was vibrating with so much anxiety that he was growling under his breath before he even realized it.  
  
“Leader?”  
  
“I am  _so_  fucking angry, Jun-kun,” he muttered, not even daring covering it up until he was in the safety of Jun’s apartment and ignoring the curious stares that the cab driver kept on throwing him. “I don’t – fuck, I don’t even know where to begin,”  
  
There was probably a few minutes gap before he heard Jun spoke again. “Maybe we should postpone our plans, then,” Jun said, careful and thoughtful, but there’s an edge in his voice that made him want to throw the phone out the window and scream.   
  
He held himself back and allowed his breathing to even out until he was sure he could speak properly again without cursing. Still, that throbbing part of him was so mad he could hardly think, coupled with the fact that he could hear the threat marring Jun’s voice when he spoke, as if Jun was quietly telling him he’d have to be careful with whatever he planned to do from here on or risk being kicked out from Jun’s apartment without another word.  
  
He wasn’t sure why Jun thought he could hurt Nino more than he already have, physically at least because he’d never (though it crossed his mind a couple of times now, after reading the two last entries) – it repulsed him to even think of laying a finger at Nino even when he’s so pissed but he guessed that was to be expected. Even he wasn’t sure what he would do once he saw Nino again.  
  
“The plan doesn’t have anything to do with how furious I am right now,” he gritted, just as he realized the cab was turning into the corner of Jun’s street; “and I’m mad at no one but myself so you could quit the worrying,” he said, and gritted his teeth afterwards because of how awful that lie sounded like. Because really, he was mad at everyone now – himself and Nino, and to those three who had kept their mouths shut all this time instead of talking to him when they couldn’t talk Nino out of his stupid, stupid stubborn self.  
  
“It doesn’t make a difference,” Jun said, as the driver stopped in front of his apartment complex and he one-handedly retrieved a few thousand Yens from his wallet and handed them to the driver before ducking out. “If you’re angry, whoever it is directed to, in the end, the fact that you’re angry makes me twitchy. One simple thing could tick you off and you’d explode, and I don’t want Nino to see that. At least not tonight,”  
  
He heaved a breath and bit his tongue before he could say something inappropriate, his temple throbbing along with the furious beat of his heart.  
  
“He won’t,” was the last thing he said before he ended the call, not bothering listening to whatever Jun was about to say, boarded the lift up to Jun’s floor and slumped heavily against the iron wall, willing himself to calm down as the elevator ascended.  
  
+++  
  
He let the smell of food guide him to where he knew Jun was, not even bothering lining up his shoes properly along with two other pairs he saw there and just toed them off his feet and went straight inside. He was even just the tiniest bit surprised to find the door opened when he turned the knob and pushed it, so he also didn’t bother calling out to Jun and let him know he was already there.  
  
 _“He’s the love of my life, the reason I'm still breathing, Jun; and I have already resigned myself to letting that love walk away from me, because I can still breathe knowing that he’s just out there, happy even without me. Because I know I can still see him the next day, and the next, probably; so at least let me have that much, Jun. Let me have that much and it’ll be enough,”_  
  
He winced, because no matter how he tried, to prevent himself from thinking about that heart-wrenching entry, he just couldn’t. His heart was beating so fast again, nose flaring at the renewed anger he didn’t know whether to suppress or let out.   
  
He was by the door of Jun’s kitchen by the time he realized where he was, spying Jun humming under his breath while he was stirring something.  
  
“Jun-kun,” he called out, only briefly aware that his voice was gruff and he probably looked as crazed as he felt, taking huge strides until he was finally standing in front of Jun and reaching over to seize Jun by the sleeves of his shirt.  
  
“Leader? What’s – What the hell’s happened to you –“  
  
“Jun-kun, why?” he asked, though it came out sounding horrible even in his own ears, the tremble of his voice betraying the way he was confidently looking up at Jun; he knew he had to ask this now before the others came, before Nino came, because if not he’d go nuts. He wanted to know why no one bothered to inform him how he had made Nino’s life a living hell, and why no one bothered helping them correct their mistakes as they stood in the background, watching Nino suffer.  
  
He knew this was not his call to make, not then and most definitely not now, but he had to know. They were there when Nino poured out his emotions the way Nino never did when he was with him, and for the life of him, he just wanted to understand.  
  
“I don’t –“  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me it was that bad?” he groaned, swallowing hard because if he didn’t he knew he’d end up sobbing instead; “Nino was – god, someone should have at least told me he was that miserable, then at least I’d –“  
  
“Leader, you have to stop now,” Jun warned him, but he was too far gone to even care; he didn’t even care that his legs had folded all on their own, almost taking Jun down with him when he slumped onto the floor of Jun’s kitchen in a heap of sobbing, heartbroken mess.  
  
“W-Why? Why didn’t you tell me Nino was suffering like that while I was –  _oh god,_  Jun-kun, you were with him, you watched him in the most miserable time of his life when you could have told me – oh god!”  
  
“Leader,” Jun growled, taking hold of his wrist as he sobbed hard against one of Jun’s legs. “Don’t – we talked about this already, don’t fucking ruin it now,” Jun whispered through tightly gritted teeth.   
  
He would have listened if he had the brain capacity for it, if his heart wasn’t about to kill him with the way it was trying to beat its way out of his chest. It hurts, more so now that he had an inkling of how they could have prevented everything from happening if only his bandmates, his friends, didn’t indulge Nino and Nino’s stupid, stupid prideful self.  
  
And fuck their plans! Fuck this whole shebang! If Nino were here, he was surely going to end up punching the hell out that guy’s face for putting things to his brain and words into his mouth just because he was too stupid not to talk it out himself.  
  
“He was in so much pain and no one told me!” he yelled, and god-fucking-dammit he didn’t care if the whole building would crumble with the force of his yells, didn’t care whether the whole world could fucking hear what he was saying. “All three of you were there, pacifying him when you could have just dropped a hint and I would have –“  
  
“How the hell did you know that?” a voice added itself on their seemingly one-sided conversation and he froze, Jun’s hold around his wrist tightened at the same time. He slowly raised his head, whipped it around to spy Nino standing at the doorway, throwing dagger glares towards his and Jun’s way.  
  
“I’m fucking asking you! How the fuck did you know that?!”


	14. Volume 11.5 - Interlude

“Why do I have to come with you? The others are coming by around eight, yeah?” he asked, narrowing his gaze at Jun when Jun looked like he was obviously trying to keep himself from snickering. “I knew it, you’re going to make me your personal errand boy!” he whined dramatically, though he was reaching for the grocery bags Jun was handing him without batting an eye.  
  
“You’re free,” Jun pointed out, one-handedly unlocking his door while he balanced the grocery bags on his other arm. “and besides, this sort-of welcome dinner is for you, so –“  
  
“Exactly,” he cut in, grinning; “so it goes without saying that you guys are doing it in my favor, and because you guys are happy I’m back. Why do you have to slave me for something you guys came up with anyway, I don’t have any idea,”  
  
“There are several things wrong in that sentence,” Jun countered, kicking his door open and slipping in a pair of his house slippers, Nino following closely after. “But I’m not going to point them out because I’m certain I’m not going to win in an argument that obviously doesn’t make any sense. Besides, I most certainly didn’t plan on slaving you, you brat; you’re free anyway, so why bother go home and laze around when you can do that here as well?”  
  
“Point taken,” Nino grinned, following Jun to the kitchen and putting the grocery bags on the counter. “The only problem is, there are games in my apartment – awesome games, actually – and I don’t think your apartment is equipped with such awesome –“  
  
“There’s WII in there,” Jun told him with a seemingly murderous glare, “and don’t you dare complain about my gaming equipment –“  
  
“Or lack thereof?” Nino supplied, grinning, ducking just in time to dodge a piece of carrot Jun had thrown his way.   
  
“Go away and do whatever you want to do,” Jun said, letting him ponder around the kitchen for a bit until he went to inspect Jun’s fridge. “I’ll just call you to taste a few things when they’re done,”   
  
Nino held out a bottle of beer he found on Jun’s fridge. “Just one?”  
  
“Go. Away.”  
  
“Jeez, okay, okay,”  
  
+++  
  
“J, I’m going to use your  toilet!” he yelled from the living room, pausing the game which he was only half-heartedly playing. It was the same game he gave the rest of the guys as a present last Christmas, with the exception of Aiba whom he gave the newest WII game console as an additional present.  
  
“You don’t have to ask everytime, idiot!” Jun yelled back.  
  
He shook his head and ducked straight to the john, thus completely missing the presence of another person who had just entered Jun’s apartment.  
  
+++  
  
There was something seriously wrong and he realized it the minute he stepped out of Jun’s bathroom.  
  
His ears perked like an alert dog, whipping around to hear the faint sounds of someone else’s voice, followed by what most likely Jun’s muffled tone.   
  
Someone was there already with Jun, though they surely didn’t sound like they were having a funny conversation, judging with the pitiful tone that he could hear all the way here.  
  
Then his pulse rocketed when he spied Ohno’s voice, no matter how muffled it was, groaning about something and his feet was moving before he could even command it, his body seemed to move on autopilot before his brain registered the action.  
  
The sight that greeted him would have been enough to make him want to bolt completely around, but then Jun muttered, “Leader, you have to stop now,” and his heart clenched painfully at the sight of Ohno’s slumped and trembling shoulders.  
  
Something surely went wrong, though he was not sure what and wondered if there’s any way he’d know about it, not that he wanted to but, well, it’s Ohno; no matter what, he’s still their Leader and they all just want what’s best for him.   
  
He found himself biting his lips hard to avoid making unnecessary comments, felt the painful tug on his heartstring at the memory of himself on the same fucking position, crying out Ohno’s name.   
  
“W-Why? Why didn’t you tell me Nino was suffering like that while I was –  _oh god,_  Jun-kun, you were with him, you watched him in the most miserable time of his life when you could have told me – oh god!” Ohno wailed all of a sudden and everything that seemed to matter fled Nino’s brain at that moment, whipping his head up to stare at Ohno’s slumped form and the way Jun was obviously squeezing his hand in warning.  
  
“Don’t – we talked about this already, don’t fucking ruin it now,” gritting his teeth and he had to raise his face to meet Jun’s furious and somewhat careful gaze trained on him.  
  
Nino took in the sight of Ohno sprawled on his ass on the floor of Jun’s kitchen, fingers clutching the fabric of Jun’s designer jeans and sobbing. His previous desire know what was going on was quickly being replaced with something that resembled shock, then confusion, realization, and lastly, fury.  
  
Most especially when Ohno yelled, “He was in so much pain and no one told me!” following it with, . “All three of you were there, pacifying him when you could have just dropped a hint and I would have –“   
  
Nino snapped, taking a step forward before he even realized it, eyes burning with rage.  
  
“How the hell did you know that?” he half-shouted, thwarting his brain’s half-hearted attempt at commanding him to calm the fuck down, watching Ohno slowly raising his head and meeting his eyes.  
  
He was only briefly wondering whether he was taking this the wrong way, but it was just too brief because then he realized he actually didn’t care anymore; he’d long accepted the fact that he and Ohno would never – he and Ohno could never go back to how they were before, but to be reminded of that fact a year after when he was just starting to pull his life together, seeing Ohno broke down as if he was the one who suffered the most, made him want to punch his fist into something just to let the anger out.  
  
Not to mention the fact that it was too obvious that Ohno had been talking to Jun about him – about what had happened to him during the past year behind his back.  
  
Still, he needed to know.   
  
“I’m fucking asking you! How the fuck did you know that?!” he yelled, and took another deciding step forward, his whole body shaking as Ohno rose from the floor and strode past Jun’s counter, seizing him by the collar of his shirt and pushing him against the nearest wall.


	15. Volume 12 : Until I find you again (1/2)

He was up on his feet faster than any of them would have expected, and was instantly standing in front of Nino before either Jun or him could blink.  
  
His chest was expanding with the way he was breathing fast, eyes locked on Nino as he seized Nino by the collar of his shirt. He was shaking with the remnants of the emotion he’d just poured out, eyeing Nino contemplatively, jaw set and determined, as Nino did the same.  
  
This close he could smell the familiar scent of Nino’s perfume, blended with the soft scent of Nino’s aftershave, and he had to literally hold himself still in fear of doing something mundanely stupid, like say, leaning in forward to breathe Nino in.   
  
“I’m  _asking_  you,” Nino gritted, though right now he was no longer glaring at him but past him, possibly at Jun who remained suspiciously quiet behind them. “How. The. Fuck. Did. You. Know. That.” Nino asked, but the corners of his mouth were twitching in obvious anger though his chin was quivering in counter to this.   
  
He bit his lips and now, more than ever, he badly wished he was good at putting his thoughts into words, because that’s exactly what he needed now. It was so hard, re-arranging words in his head and letting them out because he was afraid they wouldn’t come out the way he intended them to, but at least, this time, he had to try.  
  
Though, he would very much preferred it done with just him and Nino, and without a one-man audience in the background, even though that unwanted audience was one of his dearest friends.  
  
Seizing a firm hold around Nino’s windpipe, tight but not tight enough to choke him and only to make sure Nino wouldn’t think of ducking down to escape his hold, he whipped around a little to spare Jun a pleading glance without saying anything because he was pretty sure Jun got the message loud and clear without having to hear them.  
  
Jun nodded and was instantly reaching for the stove to turn it off, then for his jacket resting at the back of a chair, grabbed his wallet, phone and keys and strode past them just as quickly.  
  
He paused when he was barely out the kitchen door and muttered,  
  
“Don’t fucking fight in here or so help me I am going to strangle you both to death,” Jun said, but his eyes were brimming so brightly that neither of them could tell whether it was a good thing or not; not to mention the fact that Jun’s voice was trembling and his throat kept working as he added, “You know where the spare bedroom is, so fucking take it there and make sure not to ruin anything. Call me when you’re done mocking each other for your obvious stupidity but just make sure it’s when you’re fucking done sorting everything out before you do. I’ll call Sho and Aiba now. And no, there’s no need to rush. Take all the time you need to strangle each other’s necks if that would make you guys feel better. But just – just fucking talk and don’t come out from there without making sure everything’s straightened out,” he said before he walked off.  
  
“You’re not leaving me here, Jun-kun,” Nino was quickly grumbling, and Jun spared him a little glance before he shook his head. “What the fuck?”  
  
“Nino, you fucking stubborn little shit, could you please, at least just this once, fucking shut your mouth and let Leader talk? You owe him that much, at least,”  
  
“I don’t owe anyone anything –“  
  
“Leader, shut him up or I will,” Jun warned, and Nino did shut up then; he would have enjoyed watching Nino and Jun as they exchanged murderous glances towards each other but he had important things to do, and even more important things to say.   
  
“I will,” he told Jun, nodding slightly at their youngest member. “I do have my own ways to make him stop talking if I have to, so don’t worry,” Jun narrowed his eyes at this and grimaced when he smirked.   
  
“Fine, I’m going,” was the last they heard from Jun as he headed straight to the door.  
  
“Are you plotting this, then?” Nino quickly retorted, mouth twisting ruefully. “You’ve been talking to everyone behind my back, thinking you’d get something in return? That you could guilty me into apologizing, into going down on my knees one year too late?” Nino asked when they both heard the front door closed, eyeing him narrowly. “Because, honestly, I don’t see any reason why this talk had to happen now when it has been a year that –“  
  
He leaned forward and made sure he was too close that Nino could feel the rush of warmth flowing in between them, gritting his teeth as he added a tiny bit of pressure into his hold around Nino’s neck and grumbled,  
  
“ _You_ ,” he muttered, countering Nino’s fierce glare with equal intensity because there was no way he was going to back down now, or ever. A year was enough stupidity on his part, for letting Nino’s pride and wrongly-assuming self get in between them when they could have been happier in each other’s company. “ – don’t get to say another word unless I allow you to because you are going to let me talk first,” he said in between tightly gritted teeth, his anger melting though he was still pretty pissed to let Nino have his way now.   
  
“Leader, you fucking stop this now or –“  
  
“Or what?” he dared, challenging Nino to oppose him though he wasn’t planning on letting Nino have the upper hand; not now, at least. “A  _year_ , Kazu,” he said, emphasizing his words and watching the way Nino’s expression changed, his eyes losing their focus when he leaned in to breathe his words right into Nino’s face. “You had a year to suffer on your own without my knowledge and while everyone thought I was the jerk who felt nothing when _we_ – when  _you_  broke up with me. Now this is my chance to tell you how fucking hard it was for me when you said we were over, when you walked away as if I meant nothing to you and you want me to stop before I begin? Where’s the justice in that?”  
  
Nino’s eyes were wild and his mouth was twisting something awful. “And you think you can change everything by saying that? You think it’s that easy?”  
  
“No, but it certainly won’t be any easier if you keep on fucking interrupting me,” he growled, relatively pissed now that he was seconds before. “Can’t you shut your mouth for at least a second and hear me out?”  
  
“What the fuck do you mean by that?” Nino bit back acidly, pushing at him and squaring his shoulders defensively, and hell, this really might just end up with them punching each other’s faces if he don’t come up with something to shut Nino’s mouth now.  
  
He shook his head and hollowed a dry laugh before he was back to shoving Nino to the wall and mumbling, “I meant  _this,”_  before he was moving fast to slant his mouth over Nino’s and kissed Nino hard.  
  
+++  
  
“Explain,” Nino commanded, more like hissed, when they finally migrated to Jun’s spare bedroom and he was thumbing at his lower lip which was throbbing like a bitch after Nino bit him.   
  
He folded his legs under him and motioned his hands, pointing at the bed opposite the single-seater couch he was seated on. “Why don’t you sit down? This might take a while,”  
  
Nino waved him off but it looked just a little bit distracted, because Nino was staring at his finger stroking his mouth. “I’ll be fine,”  
  
“Suit yourself then,” he muttered and let his breath whooshed out of him and began.  
  
“I’m not sure how to phrase this without sounding like I only want to say what I think you’d like to hear,” he started, trying his hardest to meet Nino’s eyes though Nino sure looked like he didn’t want to meet his. “And not that I have every intention of cutting those old wounds open because, I bet you won’t even believe it, I’m sure it’d be a thousand times painful for me than it would be for you,”  
  
Nino remained quiet and he took this as a cue to continue. “But I guess I’m at this certain point where I don’t have anything to lose anymore so I’ll take this chance and ask you anyway; just so it’s clear, just so we’d have the closure we both deserved,” he said, knew that he was covering his true intentions by swaying away from what he was planning on saying, watching Nino’s face closely.  
  
“But first, I want you to know that none of the reasons you stated when you broke up with me were true, and it was my fault for not pointing them out straight on when I heard them; if I did, maybe then you’d think twice – maybe you’d give it another thought, I don’t know. There are certainly lots of  _maybes_  thrown all around but all of them are rendered inappropriate when the only thing I did then was to watch you walk away when I could have stopped you, when I could have asked you for another chance, which I didn’t,”  
  
Nino gasped, eyes wide and gaping; he saw this and felt something clenched inside him, though he was mostly assured that at least, he was heading towards the right direction.   
  
“The night you broke up with me was the worst day of my life, and that’s not even the half of it,” he said, licking his suddenly dry lips and tasting blood on his tongue. With a wince, he continued, “you said things, a lot of them I could still vividly remember though they’re mostly nonsense –  _no_ –“ he held out a finger, stopping Nino before Nino could open his mouth to talk. “ – let me finish first, then you’ll have your turn, okay?” Nino nodded at this and he found a smile for Nino, small and grateful. “And a bunch of crap, to be honest,” Nino’s brows arched at this and he grinned, a little confidently now. “You said it’s not working anymore, that it was better to break up etc etc, as if for you, breaking up was so easy. I was so stunned that I forgot to look further into your words to know that you were saying them because you  _thought_ –  _speculated_  – that I didn’t love you the way I used to.”  
  
Nino ducked his head and shrugged, though the lines of his shoulders were stiff and he was fumbling with his fingers, a gesture he used to do when he was either nervous or upset.   
  
“If I was wrong, then why didn’t you say anything?” Nino murmured, hesitantly meeting his eyes when he said so.  
  
He blinked. “Have you met me?” he asked, amused; “of all people, shouldn’t you be the first person to know that words and I don’t get along well?” he shook his head at this and continued. “Kazu, you told me straight-faced that we’re done, that it was no longer working between us; that breaking the relationship is like freeing us both from my quickly growing list of second priorities. And you did it while I was filming my drama, when my head was filled with work, work and work and a few bigger things that concerned Arashi. How do you expect a man to oppose, to do something sensible when faced with something like that? You came on to me, looking determined as fuck, demanding a break up and looking the least concern about anything I’d have to say and you expect my brain to come up with anything other than,  _okay, Kazu, whatever you think is best_ , because seriously, I don’t think anyone would be wise enough to talk you out from whatever it was you had your sight focused on without losing a few of their teeth or breaking their noses in the process,”  
  
“I don’t –“ Nino counters, raising his head, “I  _thought_ you –“  
  
“Yes, that’s right,” he cut in, biting through Nino’s rare moments of confusion and making sure he’d get his point across without Nino’s usual brand of interruption. “You thought I wasn’t in love with you anymore, you thought I stopped caring about us, you thought that when we broke up, I was fine – which is simply ridiculous because well, obviously, you thought wrong,”  
  
He spied Nino took a seat near the edge of the bed, and he unfolded his legs from under him and pulled himself upright to take the spot next to Nino. He grabbed Nino’s hands, cold and trembling as they were, squeezing them into his own and threading their fingers together. Then he raised their joined hands and closed his eyes as he pressed his mouth against the back of Nino’s knuckles, feeling each shuddery breathe leaving Nino’s lungs when he did it.  
  
“It was stupid of me, I know, to have kept my silence during the past year when I could have simply gone to you and begged you to reconsider. So many times I came too close to doing that, but then I’d remember what you said and the way you said it and my heart breaks again. But you have to know, Kazu, that it wasn’t even once I found myself trekking the way to your apartment, not thinking of anything but the urge to touch your face; but I had to remind myself that you don’t want me anymore, that I was not allowed to do those things and so I had to turn back around and drink the rest of the pain away. Maybe that was why we were told we were the best actors in Arashi, because we acted our part so well that we both didn’t see it – because I surely didn’t – I was sure you were okay with the breakup, that you’ve been doing well and good without me in your life, and so I had to do my part and show you that I was doing just as hell better as well. I just – if I had known, I wouldn’t have waited a whole fucking year to talk to you, to ask you for another chance because there’s nothing I’d want more than that. My life hasn’t been the same when you left, Kazu, and that’s not even pointing out the obvious. What should be obvious is that there hasn’t been anyone who came as close as you had been with me, no one who has been able to fill that hole you left in me when you walked away. I know this might not be enough, but please know that everything you thought about me was wrong, the reasons you so recklessly believed without asking me when you broke it off with me that night, and that there’s nothing I’d ever wanted badly in my life right now but you, however I can have you,”  
  
“L-Leader –“  
  
He tugged at their joined hands and rested his cheek against the back of Nino’s palm, not even slightly embarrassed that his tears were spilling all over their hands, as his body shook with the emotion he no longer bothered to contain.  
  
“And I’m sorry if I hurt you by keeping those things to myself when I could have just told you how miserable I was when you left. Forgive me for all the things I should have done but didn’t because I was stupid, still are, I know, but it’s me we’re talking about, right?  What’s important now is that you know I didn’t want to break up then, never wanted to be apart from you ever but as you said, it’s a done thing. I – but if it’s too  _late,”_  he paused here, briefly looking up to spare Nino a glance, mouth quivering, tasting despair and something close to fierce heartache in his tongue when he looked up, “If I’m already _too_  late, then at least let me tell you that -- ” he said and leaned over to brush his lips against the side of Nino’s mouth, soft and tender, and whispered,   
  
“ _I love you_ , Kazu; I've never stopped loving you,” 


	16. Volume 12 : Interlude

Fifteen minutes ago, he would have given everything, absolutely everything just so he wouldn't be left alone with Ohno and Ohno's seriously fucked up self but right now, he wasn't too sure anymore.  
  
Jun had left in a haste, though not really since he had to throw a little bitch fit with regards to his apparent stubbornness and his unlikely lack of respect for those who deserved them. Well it wasn't like Leader didn't deserve his respect, that wasn't it really, but it was more of the fact that he was presently threading a very dangerous line between wanting to respect Ohno and punching the shit out of him if only to dodge the urge to hit himself till he bleed.  
  
It all boiled down to the fact that he was batshit confused about all these, his anger draining out of him in slow degrees without him realizing it  _because_ \-- _because_  --  
  
Ohno was fucking confessing. Or at least that's how it actually sounded.  
  
“It was stupid of me, I know, to have kept my silence during the past year when I could have simply gone to you and begged you to reconsider. So many times I came too close to doing that, but then I’d remember what you said and the way you said it and my heart breaks again. But you have to know, Kazu, that it wasn’t even once I found myself trekking the way to your apartment, not thinking of anything but the urge to touch your face; but I had to remind myself that you don’t want me anymore, that I was not allowed to do those things and so I had to turn back around and drink the rest of the pain away. Maybe that was why we were told we were the best actors in Arashi, because we acted our part so well that we both didn’t see it – because I surely didn’t – I was sure you were okay with the breakup, that you’ve been doing well and good without me in your life, and so I had to do my part and show you that I was doing just as hell better as well. I just – if I had known, I wouldn’t have waited a whole fucking year to talk to you, to ask you for another chance because there’s nothing I’d want more than that. My life hasn’t been the same when you left, Kazu, and that’s not even pointing out the obvious. What should be obvious is that there hasn’t been anyone who came as close as you had been with me, no one who has been able to fill that hole you left in me when you walked away. I know this might not be enough, but please know that everything you thought about me was wrong, the reasons you so recklessly believed without asking me when you broke it off with me that night, and that there’s nothing I’d ever wanted badly in my life right now but you, however I can have you,”  
  
 _Fucking what?_  
  
He was losing his shit and he knew it; his common sense was about to go too because there was no fucking way Ohno Satoshi -- their Leader -- whose talking ability was limited to five, ten words max in a day could have narrated a fucking novel in one go like that; it was so shocking that he found himself gaping like a fish out of water, as if he had just witnessed the Tokyo Tower float in thin air and vanished afterwards. It was mind-boggling, to be honest, especially when his brain had finally caught up to what Ohno was saying and well, damn fucking shit,  _what_?  
  
 _I know this might not be enough, but please know that everything you thought about me was wrong, the reasons you so recklessly believed without asking me when you broke it off with me that night, and that there’s nothing I’d ever wanted badly in my life right now but you, however I can have you._  
  
 _There's nothing I'd ever wanted badly in my life right now but you._  
  
 _However I can have you._  
  
 _However I can have you._  
  
Oh. Shit.  
  
He was about to go into shock and he was sure he was going to end up crazy, or dead, probably, with the way his heart was trying to jump out from his chest. He was also certain he didn't look particularly good right now, what with the way his mouth was twitching in his futile attempt to bite back his whimpers, eyes wide as he stared at his Leader's face which was an even horrible mess compared to his (and was that snot running down his Leader's nose?), tugging their joined hands together only to press his tear-marred cheeks against the back of his own palm.  
  
Fucking shit.  
  
His brain had somewhat migrated to that place where this sort of thing happened everytime, but that place never gave him this, whatever the hell this was, because as far as his imagination was concerned, those weren't real. He was sure because he liked to go there sometimes, to play make believe in his head when he felt this particularly huge urge to touch Ohno's hand, to press his fingers against the smooth skin of Ohno's cheeks, but it always ended the same way, and never like this.  
  
Never like  _this_.  
  
His throat was blocked with that huge lump that formed there, making it impossible for him to say anything as he watched Ohno's attempt at talking to their joined hands, watching Ohno pressing his mouth to each of his knuckles tenderly. He wanted to cry, he really did, because maybe if he could do that, the lump would disappear and he'd be able to ask Ohno what the fuck he's up to.  
  
Ohno raised his head then and looked up, stared straight into his eyes and started narrating some more shit that just nearly thrown his brain into the gutter, and his heart beating into a crazy frenzy while he's at it too.  
  
“And I’m sorry if I hurt you by keeping those things to myself when I could have just told you how miserable I was when you left. Forgive me for all the things I should have done but didn’t because I was stupid, still are, I know, but it’s me we’re talking about, right?  What’s important now is that you know I didn’t want to break up then, never wanted to be apart from you ever but as you said, it’s a done thing. I – but if it’s too  _late,”_  Ohno paused here, briefly looking up to spare him a (pitiful) glance, mouth quivering, desperation marring the lines of his mouth.  
  
 _Too late? Too late for what_? Seriously, Ohno didn't know what he was asking, what he was saying. Did Ohno think there was anyone for him that wasn't Ohno -- did he think there'd be a chance for him to look at other people and know that he'd be happy knowing they were not Ohno? Did he seriously think he could -- that he'd even think of trying to be with other people who could never come close to how he had loved -- still love -- Ohno?  
  
Wait. What the fuck was that all of a sudden?  
  
“If I’m already _too_  late, then at least let me tell you that -- ” he realized Ohno was saying over the noises his heart was making, before he was leaning over to brush his lips against the side of his mouth, soft and tender, and whispered,   
  
“ _I love you_ , Kazu; I've never stopped loving you,”   
  
He froze.  
  
.. and probably died and went to heaven hearing that in the same fucking moment, staring at the space behind Ohno but seeing nothing in particular. Ohno was shaking against him, wounding a hand around the back of his neck as he cried.  
  
"I'm  _so_  sorry, Kazu," Ohno said afterwards, pulling back and looking obliviously aware that he had just given back Nino's life to him, feeling Ohno's finger sliding across his cheek, his thumb wiping the tears that he didn't know he was shedding.   
  
A few minutes ago he was hell bent to know what the fuck was going on, how Ohno ended up knowing that part of his life only a few people was aware. How Ohno managed to get a hold of the fact that he was miserable when he broke up with Ohno that night, that he'd been miserable since. He wanted to know who was the bastard Ohno was talking to, but right now, that was the least of his concerns.   
  
Right now though, he was looking at the face of the man that held his heart in his hands, fragile and vulnerable as it always had been, and knew that he was wrong to assume the things he'd assumed in the past, was wrong not to allow himself to stop and think things over the way he hadn't allowed himself before. Now he was able to give himself the chance to stare further into Ohno and Ohno's words, the way Ohno's eyes held his without breaking contact. It was too difficult to breath, too hard to come out with words that would make things easier but Ohno did it, so he had to try, too.  
  
He found himself huffing a seemingly desperate laughter, found himself reaching over to take Ohno's face in hand as Ohno sniffled shakily and leaned in to his touch, closing his eyes, tears still flowing down his cheeks. His chest felt heavy with so many emotions he kept in there for the longest time, but realized that however heavy it was he had been carrying around with him, Ohno's was probably heavier.  
  
Because he at least had Jun, Sho and Aiba when he needed someone to talk to, when he needed someone to get drunk with when the pain felt particularly harder to bear and he needed to let it all out, at least for a night.  
  
He had them, every step of the way, for the whole year of his self-inflicted suffering.  
  
Ohno had  _no_  one.  
  
"I should be the one saying that," he whispered, and god he felt so utterly, utterly stupid, so ashamed of himself for seeing this now when it was so clear. And he prided himself to be that someone who knew Ohno like the back of his own palm and yet -- shit, what fucking mess did he manage to get them both for being so stupid?  
  
Ohno shook his head and turned to nuzzle his nose against the palm of his hand, a gesture that was both endearing and familiar his chest felt like exploding again. "I should be the one apologizing instead,"  
  
"No," Ohno said, "you did what you had to do because I've hurt you; because I have stopped showing you how much I cared, how much you mean to me. I realized it then when I let you walked away, but I didn't do anything at the time to stop you. I should have, but -" well, that may be true but that didn't mean it gave him all the right to break Ohno's heart while thinking Ohno was the one who broke his. What a fucking mess.  
  
"It's my fault, too," he said, because that part he was sure, too; "I -- I didn't know how to say this without sounding stupid, but," he paused and took his hand back; Ohno let him. "I was waiting for you to come after me," he mumbled, shaking his head and tasting the familiar bitterness that had taken more than half a year to fade. It was true, though, because he really did. He wondered about it a lot of times in the past and when it didn't happened, he just sort of gave up trying.  
  
Really, it wasn't just once he'd let his thoughts wander back to the time he was thinking these thoughts, imagining what could have happened if Ohno had grabbed his hand that night and had pulled him into his arms instead of letting him walk away. He was not sure if the end result would be the same but he was certain he wouldn't have left. He would have let Ohno talk him out of his stupid, stupid plans and he would have stayed.  
  
But Ohno didn't and that was all there was to it.   
  
But the way he felt about Ohno was there, untainted, unchanged; his friends are the living witnesses on this, his journals at home bearing the detailed account of his love and his regrets of how he had handled things between them. He still read them when he had time, because then at least he'd get glimpses of his former self that he knew would remain, even after so many years. That part of himself he wished he could see again, at least for once. The part of him who loved Ohno and Ohno alone,  a fact that hadn't marred, hadn't changed since they parted ways because it was always Ohno, always had been him and even through the painful fact he had fed himself about Ohno's love, the apparent end of it, he knew it was and always would be Ohno.  
  
"I had my pride, too, you know?" he said, because really, that one was part of it too; another stupid reason, but stupid all the same. "I -- when I fell in love with you, everything I had, everything I was, changed; I hardly noticed it, especially because I was trying to keep up with you, to walk your pace, to think your thoughts, talk your language. Then suddenly, I  _realized_  -- _thought_  -- that I was the only one working to make us better, that I was the only one trying to make us work and I felt like I was slowly losing myself while you're, well, still you," he bit his lips and shook his head again.   
  
Though now -- "But you're saying you didn't want to break up --" he said, because that was the main thing now, wasn't it? The reason why he found Ohno here, when he saw him sprawled on Jun's floor, miserable and crying.  
  
"I didn't," Ohno cut in, sounding a little confident now. "I'm sorry,"  
  
"And you love me. Still?" he asked, and it probably came out sounding cheerful than he would have intended but, god, he couldn't help it. Ohno had to simply look at him and take his hand, and he would have come right away. No questions asked.   
  
"You heard me,"  
  
He could feel the wall he had built around his heart crumbled at the admission, felt the remains of his pride melt when Ohno grabbed his hand again and lifted it to his mouth.  
  
"Why waited a whole year to do it if you were going to come after me, anyway?" he asked, shaking to the core, though nothing Ohno would say now could change the way this was going to end. Because he knew how this would go, knew it deep in his heart, the minute Ohno looked up to him and said his name, he was sold. Again. It might be easier before this, when he thought he'd never be able to feel alive again but as always, he was wrong.  
  
Ohno raised his head and shook his head. "As I said, I didn't know," he said, though he didn't give any further explanation to this, as if he was omitting the most important part for later confession. Nino let him.  
  
"After a year," he muttered under his breath, though he was just trying not to do something drastic like, say, kicking Ohno hard in the face for being so stupid, kicking himself in the head too (if he could) for being twice as stupid. "What the hell?" he cursed, then, "seriously, what the hell?"  
  
"Am I too late, then?" Ohno asked in a quiet voice that the sound of it almost got lost in between the sounds of their combined breathes but as it was, he could probably just mouthed anything and Nino would understand. Probably always would, because it was Ohno.  
  
He tugged at their joined hands till they're almost nose to nose, feeling suddenly giddy seeing the way Ohno's eyes widened at the closeness, and he had permitted himself to smile as his chest gave way to something that didn't have anything to do with pain anymore.  
  
It was heavy and familiar, but he didn't mind the feeling. Not at all.  
  
"Don't be stupid, Oh-chan," he murmured, his chest felt full and the need to lean in and breathed Ohno in was too strong he could barely resist it. "You could have  done this a decade after and you'd still  _have_  me," he said, smiling now. "Just like that," he whispered.  
  
Ohno gasped, then started crying again, openly now, and he wondered how longer he could stand seeing this before he had to do what he had to, to stop Ohno's tears this time.  
  
He touched Ohno's face, leaned up to kiss the tips of Ohno's nose and murmured, "It's never going to be too late if it's you, Satoshi," he said, " _Never,"_  and angled his head so he could catch Ohno's mouth into a kiss, the first in the past year since he broke Ohno's heart.


	17. Volume 12 : Until I find you again (2/2)

He didn’t know he fell asleep until his consciousness filtered back to him in gradual degrees, sighing contentedly and leaning further into the warm press of Nino’s hand against his cheek, his hand curling possessively against the curve of Nino’s hip. It was comfortable to be this close to Nino, as it always had been, letting Nino bridge the tiny inch of gap between them and sighed in contentment. Nino even let him wriggle closer, just so he could press his nose against the palm of Nino’s hand. Certainly, nothing could ever go wrong when Nino was here, equally curled against him and –  
  
Nino was curled against him?   
  
He popped his eyes open, shocked, to find this fact to be true, his face so close to Nino’s and spying the ghost of smile on Nino’s lips. He was pretty sure he was dreaming not even seconds before, if not, maybe he was hallucinating because really, Nino was not --  
  
“Had a good nap?” was the first thing that came out from Nino’s mouth, obviously teasing; he would have replied instantly if his brain wasn’t too slow on the uptake, wondering whether this was real or if he was actually just dreaming. “Hmm, are you not awake yet, Oh-chan?” Nino murmured, and he sounded very real too.  
  
“Nino?” he called and Nino’s response to this was to cup his jaw and hummed his name. He found himself leaning further into Nino’s hand, hearing the sounds Nino made when he did so. “Is  _this_  – are  _you_  --?”  
  
“Yes,” Nino cut in, then, “Open your eyes, Oh-chan,” Nino coaxed him, and he did as he’s told and looked up to find Nino watching him; he took note of the fact that the shadows underneath Nino’s eyes were gone, and he was smiling genuinely now.   
  
So, everything was real and he wasn’t dreaming. Nino really was here, lying next to him and touching his face as if he wanted nothing else but to keep touching him if he could.  
  
He nodded, dazed, because he hadn’t trusted his voice yet enough to answer Nino verbally, what with the way his throat was closing up and he was having trouble swallowing back the lump that formed there.  
  
“Nino,” he called Nino’s name again when he finally found the nerve to do it, laughing shakily when Nino all but hummed and brushed an affectionate thumb across his cheek. “Nino,  _Nino_ ,” he repeated, chanting Nino’s name because he could, and because Nino sure didn’t look like he had other plans rather than staying here in bed with him.  
  
Which, come to think of it, he didn’t remember ever lying upon before he sort of broke down in front of Nino, as he confessed his apparent idiocy and his desire to have Nino back however he could him. He remembered feeling like everything was about to collapse on him, scared when he took Nino’s hand and asked Nino if he was already too late. Afterwards he remembered Nino’s hand on his face, remembered the way Nino cried with him and told him it’s never going to be too late if it was him, and Nino kissing him after that.  
  
“Oh-chan,” Nino’s mouth quirked a bit and he gave up trying to keep himself from touching Nino, just briefly considering the consequences, whether the gesture was allowed or not; he’d think about that later as he nuzzled his nose against the palm of Nino’s hand the way he had before, but this time, his mouth followed. He kissed his way from the inside of Nino’s wrist, flicking his tongue across the palm of Nino’s hand, and enjoying the hitch on Nino’s breath when he did so. “ _Oh-chan_ ,”  
  
“Nino,” he murmured back, rounding the way to the front, tilting Nino’s palm up and kissing each of Nino’s knuckles as he slowly freed himself from Nino’s hold, following the path from Nino’s wrist to his bare forearms, kissing his way up to the crook of Nino’s elbow and further up. “Nino,” he called Nino’s name again when they were finally lined up from shoulders to toes, bracing himself up on one hand and holding the nape of Nino’s neck with the other before dipping down to catch Nino’s mouth into a kiss.   
  
He was moaning loud before he could even stop himself, the familiar taste of Nino’s mouth flooding his senses and it was intoxicating enough that he found himself deepening the kiss as he go. Nino’s arms wound tight around him, Nino’s legs wrapping themselves around his back and pulling him down on him, Nino’s arms branding around him. It was perfect.  
  
They kissed like they wouldn’t be able to again, holding each other as if the world was about to end any minute now. And it honestly felt like that, pulling away just a little bit from Nino to breath in a lungful of air before he was back to stealing Nino’s breathe straight from his mouth. He was hungry for this, hungry for Nino and Nino’s kisses, and Nino sure looked like he’d been starved from this, too, with the way Nino kissed back.  
  
Nino’s mouth was parted wide he could barely keep himself from shoving his tongue inside and sucking at Nino’s own eagerly, Nino’s hands freely roaming across his back as they kissed. It was slow and reverent, like they were savoring each other for as long as they could, without rushing, without letting each other go. He wondered how he’s lasted a year without this, without Nino’s warmth and Nino’s kisses, but filed it away for future contemplation as he forced himself away so he could stare at Nino’s face.  
  
Nino let him, licking his lips and looking like he'd rather not have him move away because Nino was still wrapped around him like a live spare part, not that he was complaining because he sorely missed the feeling of Nino’s bony self against him as much as he missed everything else about Nino.   
  
“Hi,” he told Nino, smiled when Nino rolled his eyes and pinched his cheeks in return; he dipped his head down for a few more kisses, before he pulled away again, this time to bite lightly at Nino’s chin, then down to suck a few marks against Nino’s collarbones. He crawled on all fours, mapping Nino’s body as he went further down, kissing every single part of Nino his mouth could reach.  
  
He peppered kisses from Nino’s neck, throat and chest, albeit Nino’s shirt on the way, biting lightly at Nino’s nipples through the fabric just to hear those delicious sounds Nino made when he did it. He was hard and aching inside the compartments of his own jeans but he ignored it, ignored it in favor of touching and kissing Nino some more, wanting to draw those sounds out from Nino’s throat for as long as he was allowed to.  
  
He nipped at Nino’s hip when he reached it, biting his way down to Nino’s flat stomach as he hummed in response when Nino whimpered his name. Nino reached down to thumb the corner of his mouth, coaxing him to raise his head and he did, following Nino’s touch with his mouth, licking Nino’s fingers before letting it go in favor of exploring some more. He barely heard the sound of Nino’s head when it hit the mattress, caressing Nino’s thighs before raising his head again to check on Nino.  
  
He found himself grinning as he surveyed Nino, the way Nino was breathing raggedly as he settled back on the bed, eyes tightly shut and his mouth slightly parted. One of Nino’s hands was balled into fist, his chest heaving as his hand caressed Nino’s legs.  
  
He was honestly scared when he started kissing Nino, afraid Nino would realize it was a mistake for letting him touch Nino like this, for letting him into Nino’s heart again; he was kissing Nino and yet he was waiting for that painful shove, for that split second where Nino would open his eyes and realized this was all but a mistake.  
  
But Nino didn’t.  
  
He kept his eyes locked on Nino’s face as he reached down to palm Nino through his jeans, basking on the joy of having Nino hard and pliant beneath his hands. Nino all but thrashed his head back and outright wailed, bucking back to his touch as if he had just been electrocuted.  
  
The sound Nino made then was enough for his doubts to drift away, willing his hands not to shake as he forcefully took them away from touching Nino and settled them on Nino’s hips. He dipped his face into Nino’s stomach, nudged at Nino’s shirt with his nose with all the intention of tugging it off him without wanting to move. Nino laughed softly at this and apparently got what he had been asked to do, as the shirt was soon lifted off of Nino’s body and he could freely nose his way from Nino’s chest down to the fine hairs peppering Nino’s navel.   
  
“Satoshi,” Nino sighed, settling back on the bed while he pretty much licked his way from Nino’s bellybutton, while he one-handedly took Nino’s pants off him. Nino wriggled, lifted his hips up so he could shove it all the way down and Nino helping him by kicking it the rest of the way. “ _Oh_ –“  
  
“Nino, I –“ he started, paused when he looked up to see that Nino had himself braced on his elbow to watch him, his gaze intently focused on him and him alone. He smiled at Nino and mouthed Nino’s name again, dipping his head and nuzzling his nose against the inside of Nino's thighs, brief and affectionate, before he slowly ducked down, still holding Nino’s gaze, to wrap his hand around Nino and to sample a lick across the head of Nino’s cock.  
  
Nino mewled, broken and raspy, and he repeated the action two more times without taking his eyes off of Nino’s face just to see the way Nino’s mouth formed his name as he bit his lips.  
  
His mouth settled then and Nino did too, flopping back on the bed with a quiet thump as his mouth worked around Nino, licking and sucking Nino the way he remembered Nino liked it; Nino was breathing harder now, his hips lifting from the bed to fuck his mouth in slow, sensual rhthym, groaning when he would slip his tongue over and around the soft, leaking tip of him. He could taste salt and the slight but familiar bitterness that was all Nino, as he worked his mouth around Nino and let Nino whimper his name as he sucked Nino in.  He gave up trying to hold himself back, to go slow, the sounds escaping the back of Nino’s throat were enough for him to want to give Nino this and more.  
  
He sucked on the head the way he knew was good, and Nino outright wailed then and his breathe stuttered in a sort-of mid-whimper. He smiled to himself and lowered his mouth on Nino again, the taste of him stronger, hearing Nino groaning again when he turned his mouth harder, letting Nino slip in and out easily.  
  
“ _Satoshi, Satoshi_  –“ Nino called, his voice husky with pleasure, thrashing his head back and forth against the pillow. He didn’t know how much he missed this until he saw them now, didn’t know how a simple thing such as Nino calling his name was enough to make him hard within seconds. He let Nino ground up to him, his hands reaching up to touch Nino’s stomach, his hips, his arms, any part of Nino he could get his hands to. Nino gasped his name again, and again when he parted his mouth wide, letting Nino set the pace as Nino fucked his mouth.  
  
He hollowed his cheeks around Nino and Nino barely had time to turn his face into the pillow to muffle his yells, shaking uncontrollably as he came.  
  
His mouth settled around Nino for a few more seconds, drawing out the last bits of Nino’s orgasm as he swallowed them hungrily. He was sure he made Nino half-hard again before he realized he was being pushed, only pulling his mouth away from Nino’s cock when he felt Nino’s hands grabbing him by his shoulders and manfully hauling him up.  
  
They’re face to face again when he regained his focus, the ache in his chest mirroring the throbbing ache in his lower belly. He realized he was grinding against Nino’s legs when Nino curled his arm around his neck, their mouths meeting in the middle for a kiss.  
  
“Kazu,  _Kazu,”_  he whimpered into Nino’s mouth, grateful for the way Nino was holding and kissing him as he felt Nino’s hand in between them to cup him, soft and teasing, and so very much like Nino. “Please, Kazu, I –“ he arched his back and let Nino teased him a bit more, Nino’s tongue tracing the shape Nino’s name his mouth made as one of Nino’s hand traced the length of him down below. It’s been so long since he had this, been too long without the familiar ache and overwhelming surge of affection knowing that he was with no one else but Nino, and that ache was doubling on its own, intense and growing, as Nino’s hand re-acquaints itself on touching him all over.  
  
It wasn’t like he hadn’t had anyone to satisfy his biological needs during the past year without Nino, but as it was, there could only be one person who could break him into pieces without as much as doing anything. Nino had to simply brush an affectionate finger across his skin and every part of him would ignite in response, his urges he knew only Nino could satisfy. He wanted Nino, wanted him so much he’d probably burst without even getting properly naked, groaning deep in his throat when he felt Nino's hand on him, firm and wanting, and Nino must have realized this and one-handedly started working to get his fly open.  
  
Nino tugged his zippers down, mouthing something that resembled his name across his jaw. He was pretty much moving on autopilot from here on, wriggling and helping Nino shove his pants all the way down his feet when Nino told him to, his boxers included, and felt Nino’s warm hands on his bare skin the second after.  
  
He groaned when they were finally skin to skin, the warmth of Nino’s body pressed against his as they started kissing again. He breathed into Nino’s mouth as Nino’s hands roamed all over his back, rocking up into Nino, barely aware that Nino was arching back and was as hard as he had been minutes before.  
  
“Kazu, I need –“ he whined when Nino pulled away to  bite at his chin, shoving him and reversing their position in one swift movement. He did his best not to pout at this, hips arching up to seek more friction as Nino settled over his legs with yet the smuggest grin he had ever seen on Nino’s face.  
  
“You  _have_  me,” Nino told him, leaning down again to kiss him a couple of times, one of Nino’s hands gently cupping his face. He wriggled into Nino, arching, hips thrusting up to get closer to the delicious heat that was Nino’s body, and shivering at the feel of Nino’s cock, hard and throbbing as it slid across his belly.  
  
“ _Please, please_  –“ he begged, arms finding Nino’s waist and leaning up to brace himself on his elbows, mouth seeking Nino’s own. Nino laughed, amused and fond and so very turned-on, and he barely noticed the way Nino was bending sideways to grab something from the side table as Nino kissed him, rattling things sitting there until he shifted and saw what it was.  
  
“Oh –“ his mouth formed the words but no sounds came out, watching Nino’s hand dazedly as Nino uncapped the bottle he took from top of the table and dipped his fingers on it. Nino chuckled and leaned over to kiss the tips of his nose, before he felt the pressure of Nino’s hand over his chest, pushing him down.  
  
“Lie down and just let me,” Nino said confidently, though the way his voice shook at the last syllable made him want to just kiss Nino till he could no longer breathe. But Nino did seem determined, watching him intently as he twisted his arm behind himself, brows furrowed in concentration.   
  
“Oh,  _fuck,_  Nino –“ he groaned, breathless and amazed when he realized what that gesture surely meant, barely enough time to wonder how in hell Nino was able to produce those stuffs in a span of a few minutes (or was it hours) since he fell asleep in exhaustion.  
  
Nino grinned at him, teasing him with a little arch of his back and baring the lovely line of his neck as he did so. “ _Fuck, Nino_  –“  
  
“You will, don’t worry,” Nino said, a breathless hitch on his voice before Nino took his arm back and went back to settle himself over his legs again.   
  
His eyes were crossing by the time Nino was reaching down to smooth a condom over him, and probably seconds away from bursting prematurely in between Nino’s careful fingers when Nino dipped his head down again to kiss him softly on the mouth.   
  
“ _Nino, Nino, oh god_  –“  
  
“Calm down,” Nino said and reached over to touch his face with his clean hand, before Nino was bracing himself over his stomach and lowering himself over his cock.   
  
Nino’s fingers reached the side of his mouth and he turned to suck two in to muffle his cries at the feel of Nino’s heat slowly encasing him, of the sight of Nino’s face as he sheathed himself with his cock, inch by careful inch.  
  
“Satoshi,” Nino breathed, husky and hoarse as he began sucking Nino’s fingers earnestly; Nino stopped moving for a second to acquaint himself on the feel of his cock inside Nino, to probably let the burn subside before Nino was rolling his hips experimentally. It really had been too long since they’ve done this, groaning in appreciation at the wonderful tightness as he slid a tiny inch deeper into Nino. It was hot, hotter than he ever remembered being buried inside Nino, perfect to be honest, and he was rolling his hips in slow, careful stutters before he could even stop himself.  
  
“Nino, I  _want_  –“ he found himself murmuring again, his voice was raw with desire; Nino took his fingers back and used the newly-free hand to brace himself more firmly over him, rocking himself up and down his body.   
  
“You have  _it_ ,” Nino said, breathy, and he had to set his teeth on his lips at the feel of Nino settling over him, around him, working himself down on his cock in slow, sure rolls of Nino’s hips.   
  
“ _Nino, oh_  –“ he moaned, watching Nino as Nino began to move, fucking himself against his cock, slow and sure and oh, so perfect. He watched Nino lift himself up and then down, impaling himself onto his cock with his mouth parted slightly, his name spilling out of Nino’s mouth as his hips ground up to meet Nino halfway.  
  
He realized he was pulling himself upright from the bed to wrap his arms around Nino’s waist, letting Nino as Nino set the rhythm, fucking himself on his cock more earnestly now. He could clearly remember this, the way Nino was clenching around him with every downward stroke, the way Nino would wail his name when he attached his lips to one of Nino’s nipples to suck.  
  
“I  _want_ ,  _ah_ , Nino please –“  
  
“ _You_ have  _me_ ,” Nino whispered, arms wrapped around his shoulders as he rocked into him, hard and fast, faster and faster still. “I got you, Oh-chan. I got you,”  
  
“Nino, please,  _ah, please_ ,” he begged, setting his teeth into his lower lip tight enough to draw blood, feeling Nino clenching around him so tight he thought he was going to lose mind, and Nino rocking himself into him so fast he was seeing stars. “Ah, Nino!” he half-yelled, and barely aware of Nino grabbing him by the nape of his neck to seal their mouths together as he came, feeling Nino’s warm release in between them at the same time.  
  
When he came to, he realized he was still very much buried inside Nino’s body, he and Nino slumped back on the bed with Nino curled around him, on top of him, Nino’s scent clinging into him. He splayed his hand down the small of Nino’s back, drew Nino in closer, chest near to bursting when something warm hit the side of his neck and realized Nino was shaking against him.  
  
Then, low and softly, he thought it didn’t came from Nino, Nino’s lips pressed against his skin, Nino murmured, “I never _stopped_  loving you either,” into his chest.  
  
He held Nino close as Nino allowed the last of his doubts disappear, kissing Nino’s tears away when Nino leaned up to let him. Nino let him mutter his promises into Nino’s skin without asking, holding on and nodding his consent when he moved on top of Nino to do it all over again.  
  
This time, they promised each other they’re going to do it better. And they would, he was sure of it.   
  
  
+++  
  
It was half past two in the morning when he waltzed out from Jun’s spare bedroom, with all the intention of grabbing something to munch on while he left Nino asleep on the bed. He couldn’t remember the last time he ate something, and his stomach had been complaining just as much.  
  
He almost tripped on his own two feet when he reached the kitchen and found Jun, Sho and Aiba talking in hushed tones, a beer of bottle each in hand as they talked.  
  
Aiba was the first to spot him, beaming from ear to ear when Aiba surveyed him over and he did the same, realizing that he was only on his boxers (thankfully) and (mistakenly) wearing Nino’s shirt.  
  
“Oh!” Aiba exclaimed, though he looked very much like a kid who had just been handed a gift he’d been waiting to receive all his life. “Leader, you --”  
  
Jun and Sho turned their heads towards him at the same time, and he heard Jun muttered, “About damn time,” under his breath as he walked the rest of the way towards them.  
  
Jun rose from his seat and offered it to him while he went to fetch something from the counter, and he suspected food judging with the smell of it. He smiled gratefully and sat down, Aiba rising afterwards to grab him a bottle of beer from the fridge as Jun reheated the food from the microwave.  
  
Sho was eyeing him carefully, though it sure looked far from wary. “Should we ask or --?” Sho said, cutting himself midway when Jun came back with the food. Aiba also had the bottle opened for him and sliding the beer next to the food Jun placed down in front of him.  
  
“Everything worked out okay, it seems,” Jun said, sounding pleased and something else; he looked up to find his bandmates staring at him, their eyes shining with their barely-concealed curiousity.  
  
He shrugged and started digging in. He really was starving, probably Nino too and he really should go back to the bedroom to feed Nino at least a couple of spoonfuls before –  
  
“Oh-chan?” Nino’s voice called and he whipped around to find Nino standing near the doorway, hands under his shirt – Ohno’s shirt – and scratching his belly. “Oh – didn’t know you guys are here,”  
  
Jun made a sound that was part-amused and part-disgusted; he ignored this and spared Nino a glance, beckoning him over while munching.  
  
“I woke up and you’re gone,” Nino accused him, rounding the way to sit on his lap, throwing an arm over his shoulder as he took a swig of his beer and offered Nino a spoonful. Nino grimaced but obediently opened his mouth to accept the food, chewed and then swallowed. He smiled, squeezing Nino’s hip when Nino grabbed the spoon from his hand and started feeding him himself.   
  
“I was hungry,” he told Nino, settling a hand across the small of Nino’s back and holding him in place. Nino took a spoonful, obviously ignoring their bandmates in favor of shoving it into his mouth and nosing his cheeks as he did so.  
  
“You could have just brought the food back to the bed –“  
  
“Oi, Ninomiya,” Jun cut in, and he and Nino both looked up to stare at Jun’s flushed face, Aiba’s beaming smile and Sho’s exasperated but fond grin. “I just want to remind you that this is not your house. And today’s supposed to be your welcome dinner and you guys are supposed to call me when you’re done talking, that was the agreement; I don’t understand why you didn’t even –“  
  
“Oh-chan did the welcome stuff himself, so it’s good – we’re good, you don’t have to bother, really,” Nino said, completely straight-faced.   
  
“Nino,” Sho shook his head at this and smiled, though he didn’t really need to follow that further because Nino was up on his feet again and grabbing his hand at the same time.  
  
“I’ll get you some more food afterwards,” Nino said, ducking down and kissing him softly on the cheek. “But later,”  
  
“Seriously?” Jun asked, rolling his eyes to the heaven as Aiba rounded the way to tug Nino into a bear hug.   
  
“Ugh, Aiba-chan, air; I need air,”   
  
Aiba sniffled into Nino’s hair as he rose from the chair and nodded at Sho and Jun, who nodded back at him as he grabbed the bottle of beer and took another huge swig before putting it back down on the table. Taking slow steps towards the door, he looked back and waited until Aiba was done choking Nino, spying Nino nodding to the rest of them, murmuring something to them before Nino practically bounced over to take his hand.  
  
They’d have to talk, all five of them that’s for sure, but for now, he knew his friends understood that he and Nino had to satisfy this need to be near each other first. It’s been so long, afterall, and even he himself didn’t want to leave Nino if he could help it. He looked up to see Jun and Sho sharing the same relieved smile, Aiba was, too, albeit the tears. He looked down to his and Nino’s joined hands, squeezing their fingers together as Nino bumped their hips playfully as they walked on towards their borrowed room.  
  
“Don’t leave without telling me,” Nino told him afterwards, smiling but behind it, he knew what Nino meant. “Wake me up if you have to, I won’t mind. Just. I was expecting you were there and when you’re not --”   
  
He nodded and tugged Nino forward till they’re out from their bandmates’ sight, pushing Nino to the nearest wall and grabbing Nino by the nape of his neck before leaning in to catch Nino’s mouth into a softer, tamer kiss.  
  
He knew it would take them longer to get used to being back together, probably a bit longer to put their fears behind them until they could fully trust each other again, to trust themselves not to hurt each other again. But it’s okay because he and Nino were older now, wiser now, and they knew better to talk things out before everything goes out of hand again.   
  
A year apart had tainted them both in ways that could never be reversed, but finding each other again in the end, he guessed was the best that came out from all these anyway. He had Nino in his arms now, and he had every intention of keeping him there, for as long as he could.  
  
“ _I love you_ ,” he told Nino, ghosting the words mostly against Nino’s lips and feeling Nino turning limp and pliant in his arms as he kissed the corners of Nino’s mouth.   
  
“Oh-chan,” Nino whispered his name, and here in the dark, Nino showed him another part of him he dared not show him before, as Nino looked him in the eyes and smiled that one smile he knew Nino reserved for him and him alone. “Never again, okay?” Nino whispered, and behind his eyes therein lies the fear that they both had to work hard to erase.  
  
He leaned forward to kiss the side of Nino’s mouth, tipping their foreheads together as Nino bit his lips and mouthed his name, held onto him tighter than he ever held on before.  
  
“Yes,” he said, then, “It’ll be better now,” he told Nino, holding Nino close and trusting Nino to know that this time, they’re going to make it work, they’re going to hold each other’s hand till the end. “I promise it will,”  
  
Nino sighed into his mouth when he dipped his face to catch Nino’s lips, his fingers on Nino’s hair and promising Nino one thing after another as they kissed their way towards Jun’s spare bedroom.  
  
Tomorrow, he’d breathed new promises into Nino’s skin and he’s going to make sure they stayed there for Nino to see and believe.  
  
For now, Nino needed the reassurance that they’d stay together, and that’s what he was going to give him.  
  
Even if it was going to take him all night; and even if it’d take him all his life to prove it.


	18. Bonus Chapter

He hadn't even managed to push his front door open when he felt Ohno's arms around him from behind, and Ohno's pointy chin digging itself against his right shoulder.   
  
He laughed, heartfelt and husky, patting Ohno's hands wrapped around his front as he guided them both inside.   
  
"It's been so long since you've been here, yeah?" he mumbled, dragging his affectionate companion forward and reaching for the light switch absently. Ohno hummed but didn't say anything, arms still around his waist as they walked the rest of the way towards his living room.  
  
They left Jun's apartment around four, spying Aiba and Sho sleeping on two separate futons laid across Jun's living room floor, while Jun was laid flat on his couch, snoring lightly. It was actually his idea to go home before sunrise, since they both have work scheduled in the afternoon, and he very much preferred it if he could head home and shower first, at least cook breakfast for Ohno if Ohno felt like eating (and he was sure that's a given), and cuddle Ohno some more if he could get away with it.   
  
Almost a whole night with Ohno and yet it still wasn't enough to satisfy him. The need to be close to the older man was like a disease he couldn't cure, a hunger so intense he didn't know if there was any way to quench it.  
  
"Oh-chan?"   
  
"Hmm," Ohno hummed, arms tight around him even when he moved them towards the nearest couch. "Here?" Ohno asked, and he sounded sleepy, obviously content to be wrapped around him like this, too. He smiled and patted Ohno's hands again.  
  
"Have a seat and I'll make us coffee," he said, tugging himself free from Ohno's koala cling, chuckling when Ohno simply wriggled and moved to bury his face against the hollow space between his neck and shoulder. "Breakfast too, if you want,"  
  
"Kazu,"   
  
He chuckled again, because he couldn't help it. His chest felt like it would burst any second with all the happiness he couldn't contain, fervently wishing for this to never end. They have yet to talk about the year they've spent apart, or those other details he knew they needed to fill each other with, but those things could wait. For now, he had Ohno with him, loving him as much as he loved the older man, and that should be enough for now.  
  
"Breakfast and coffee," he said, smiling a little and pulling himself free from Ohno's hold. Ohno obviously looked like he wanted nothing but for them to stay glued to the hip but one of them had to be responsible enough to let the other go, because obviously, they couldn't just run off somewhere and hide forever. They have obligations to fulfill, important engagements to attend to and life to go back to that he honestly didn't think would be like how he left it a day before.   
  
So many things had happened in the span of a day (or two, if he was to include today, too) but he was not complaining. Neither was Ohno so that was okay, too.   
  
"I'm not really hungry," Ohno whined when he managed to pull himself free, tugging at his hand and making a big show at pulling him back down on the couch. He chuckled again and let himself be pulled down, landing on top of Ohno's lap and catching Ohno's mouth half-way when Ohno leaned up to be kissed.  
  
"You're just saying that, but I know you, Ohno Satoshi," he told Ohno, but not after he allowed Ohno to take advantage of having him so close, allowing Ohno to wrap an arm around his waist while Ohno's other hand he had wounded around the back of his neck. "You need to eat after a night of vigorous --"  
  
"Sex with you is always wonderful, Kazu," Ohno said, biting his lower lip gently. "I didn't know how much I missed it -- craved it, until I had it again. I'm --" Ohno paused here, growling a little and if the sound of it wasn't enough to get him hard in seconds, then Ohno thrusting up to him, letting him feel the answering hardness in between his legs surely would.   
  
He laughed, husky and breathless, and felt Ohno breathing warm air into the sensitive skin of his neck, Ohno's fingers making a shivery trail down his spine.  
  
"God, I want you again, Kazu --" Ohno whined, equally breathy and hungry, and he found himself shivering in response as he tilted Ohno's face up for another round of kisses.  
  
"You're terrible," he told Ohno, but it lacked its supposed bite because he was stroking the back of Ohno's neck tenderly, fingers tracing the fine hairs peppering the nape of Ohno's neck. "I'm going to be completely useless today and it's all because of you," he said, wishing his tone sounded more accusing but it's difficult; especially when Ohno's arms were around him, and the expression on Ohno's face probably mirrored that of his.  
  
"You love me," Ohno said with a shrug, looking completely defiant, a little too smug even; "and I love you, plus the fact that it has been too long since I've been without you so you can't blame this all on me. It's completely understandable that we don't want to be apart from each other now, and if I'd have my way, you won't be going anywhere without me following you around like a shadow,"  
  
"Oh my god, I'm beginning to wonder if you're the real Ohno Satoshi, like seriously," he said, shaking his head a bit though he couldn't do more than wriggle a little because Ohno had his arms around him so tight it was honestly a bit difficult to move freely. "You've been talking a lot, it's honestly scaring the shit out of me,"  
  
Ohno grinned and threw him a wink. "Give me some credit, Kazu, will you?" Ohno said, and he couldn't do anything but lean back to Ohno when he felt Ohno's fingers leaving trails of delicious shiver down his back. "My talking inability was what put us in that stupid mess in the first place, so I'm not going to let that happen again. From now on, prepare yourself to hear things from me you hadn't heard before because I assure you, there'd be more. And if you think you're not a hundred percent sure about loving me still, just wait because I am going to sweep you off your feet you won't even realize what happened until you're head over heels in love with me again,"  
  
Oh my god, seriously, this guy. "Oh-chan, you need to stop talking now," he muttered, burying his face into Ohno's neck and giggling. "God, kiss me or fucking let me go before you drive me completely crazy," he whined, unburying his face from where he had it mashed against Ohno's neck to watch the way Ohno's face broke into a grin.  
  
Ohno looked entirely smug for someone who had at least an hour of sleep to go by, though he was smiling up at him as if he couldn't believe he was there in Ohno's arms either.  
  
He smiled back and reached down to take Ohno's face in between his hands, stroking Ohno's cheeks and leaning down to kiss Ohno's mouth.  
  
Needless to say, they foregone coffee and breakfast in favor of spending the next few hours satiating each other's hunger to the point where the few tiny inch gap between them seemed a little bearable.  
  
  
+++  
  
He woke up missing the warmth he fell asleep with a couple of hours  before, and squinting at the tiny sliver of light pilfering through his bedroom's window to find Ohno hovering over his study table, obviously inspecting something.  
  
He'd kicked his brain into gear even before he realized it, jerking fully-awake with all the intention of yelling at Ohno to not touch the journals stacked carefully there when he realized Ohno already had one in his hand and was just putting it back quietly when he managed a croaked-sounding "Oh-chan don't!" and Ohno whipping around to face him.  
  
"Don't, please," he whispered, knew that his fears were clearly visible on his face; it was completely understandable, given the fact that those journals held most, if not all, of his detailed memories of him and Ohno, especially during that year they've spent apart. Ohno looked him over, then without a word he grabbed one from the stack and started walking back towards the bed.  
  
He remained quietly still, scared, shaking to the core when Ohno settled a hand against the nape of his neck and leaned down to press a kiss against the side of his mouth.  
  
"Calm down, Kazu," Ohno whispered, ghosting his words mostly against his lips and coaxing him to press himself further into Ohno as Ohno settled on the bed, taking him and the journal with him.   
  
He kept his eyes close because he didn't trust himself enough not to go into a full panic mode knowing that Ohno had read the journals and was about to call him a lunatic, or a creepy stalker or something, god forbid.  
  
"Oh-chan, those --"  
  
Ohno cut him with yet another tender kiss before Ohno pulled back to stroke his cheek with the tips of Ohno's fingers. " --are actually one of the main reasons why we're together now,"  
  
He whipped his head up, shocked, staring at Ohno like Ohno's gone crazy.  
  
Ohno nodded and pulled him carefully into Ohno, careful not to let him go until he was settled against Ohno's side and one of Ohno's arms was branded firmly around his middle.  
  
"Don't freak out, okay? And please, try not to get mad until I explain myself," Ohno said, and he was honestly baffled that he realized he couldn't do more than nod his head in confusion.  
  
"I have a confession to make," Ohno started, though he could already feel his heart pumping wildly against his ribcage, so painfully loud he thought he'd pass out any second now. Ohno avoided his eyes and carefully placed his journal -- this one was marked no. 7 -- on top of one of Ohno's legs.  
  
"I was here the day before yesterday and found this, along with the others," Ohno said, without pausing, though he was pretty sure his heart did stop beating then. He was sure he was looking at Ohno with the most shocked expression on his face, unable to say anything as he shook and trembled against Ohno's hold.  
  
Ohno placed the journal down and used his free hand to cup his cheeks.   
  
"Nino, please say something," Ohno said, soft and begging; "I didn't -- I was going to tell you about it, just -- I mean, I was waiting for the right time to say it. I don't want you to think that I said those things I told you just because I read your journals because it's not like that, honestly, you have to believe me,"  
  
"How long have you known --"  
  
Ohno cut him with a gentle finger against his cheek and he honestly felt like he didn't know what to think anymore. This -- oh god, so this meant --  
  
"Stop that and listen to me, Kazunari," Ohno commanded, his tone firmer now, "Listen to what I am saying, alright? We promised we will make this work and we'll start from here. No more lies, no more pretenses, we told each other that, right?"  
  
He didn't nod, didn't say anything because, god, how could he when everything he thought was true turned out to be --  
  
Ohno leaned in, catching his lips into a kiss so carnal he was gasping within seconds, his thoughts flying in all direction until all that's left was Ohno's mouth on his and Ohno's fingers tight on his hips.  
  
"I used the key you gave me before that I forgot to return to let myself in," Ohno started, obviously not giving him the chance to think judging with how close Ohno was from him. Ohno had a hand curled against the curve of his hip, nosing his cheeks as he talk. "I was aware you're not here but I --" Ohno paused here, breathing deep, fingers tightening against his skin. "I've had this urge to check on you eversince you started going abroad, Kazu. I -- I've been missing you so much but I couldn't do anything about it so I had to cheat; I know it was wrong, I know I was not supposed to be here when you're not but I am thankful that I did. Because doing that, I found your journals -- and through them, I was able to get you back,"  
  
"You read all of them?" he asked, quietly now, resigned even because for whatever its worth, he didn't think there was any reason for him to get angry when Ohno was right.   
  
"Not all," Ohno said, pulling him into Ohno and tucking his head under Ohno's chin. "The first few and --"  
  
He didn't dare look up in fear of completely losing it, because however he looked at it, Ohno did something very wrong, but. Oh god, he was torn between thanking the heavens for his journals and aiming a left-cut against Ohno's jaw for invading his fucking privacy.  
  
"And?"  
  
"The one you had marked 'MEMORIES',"  
  
"Oh god," he groaned, and his previous anger was slowly being replaced with embarrassment at the mention of that particular journal. "Oh my god, tell me you didn't read everything --"  
  
"I did," Ohno cut in, hugging him so tight he was nearly breathless when Ohno loosened his hold around him. "I apologize for that but I'm not really sorry for reading it. That's the final push I was waiting for Kazu -- when I read it, I told Matsujun about my plans of getting you ba --"  
  
"Jun's in this, too?!" he half-yelled, because, seriously, what the hell?  
  
"Hey, you promised," Ohno warned him and his anger was completely shut down he found himself slumping against Ohno's chest afterwards. "Good," Ohno murmured, pushing his fingers through his hair. "One will talk and the other will listen, that's the agreement, okay? Let me finish first and then you decide whether you want to punch me for invading your privacy or thanking yourself and your journals for being the reason we're here now, and together; not to mention the reason why we had the most phenomenal sex and  --"  
  
"Do you really have to mention that everytime?" he growled, slightly ashamed of himself and for the journals but not completely. He wanted to get angry but at the same time, he knew it would be completely idiotic to get mad at something that was the reason for this happiness he never thought he'd ever get to experience ever again.   
  
And well, he did told Ohno that it wouldn't matter whether he came back to ask him for another chance a decade after, so it goes without saying that this shouldn't matter, too.  
  
He sighed and reached down to finger the letters he had marked the journal, felt Ohno's hand gentle on his face.  
  
"Tell me about this plan you were saying and what's Jun got to do with it," he said, though it was mostly to know what Ohno was planning that obviously didn't happen because he was there to find out beforehand.  
  
Ohno ducked, pressing a grateful kiss on top of his head and hooking a thumb under his chin to raise his face, kissing the corners of his mouth.  
  
"It's a simple plan, really," Ohno told him, beaming from ear to ear, "I was supposed to act drunk when Jun gave me the cue that you're there already, then I'll start spilling the beans until you hear them yourself,"  
  
He groaned. "That was -- oh my god, that was the lamest thing I have ever --"  
  
"Shut up," Ohno snapped, though he was leaning in again to steal another kiss which he wholeheartedly allowed Ohno to take. "It was a good plan; I just didn't count you to be there when I arrived at Jun-kun's place. I was really angry, you know -- with them, with you and with myself, it was horrible,"  
  
"You shouldn't have read the journals," he countered, "It was not a nice thing to do,"  
  
Ohno squeezed his hips and drew him in closer. "You don't have to tell me that because I know," Ohno said, and at least he sounded apologetic. "But I treated that as something like blessing in disguise, you know? Because if it weren't for the journals, I wouldn't know that you were suffering the same way that I've been suffering; I wouldn't know your reasons for leaving me, I wouldn't know everything. Because of them, I was able to allow myself the luxury to hope that someday, somehow, I'd get you back, whatever it takes,"  
  
Oh well, he couldn't dispute that, not really. For the best thing that came out from all these was him and Ohno getting back together for real. "So you didn't just do this just because you read how miserable I was when we broke up?"  
  
Ohno hugged him tighter. "What kind of a man do you take me for, Kazu? And correction,  you broke up with me; it was a one-way thing,"  
  
"Fine,"  
  
"And the answer is no,"  
  
He sighed. "I feel like I have to get angry but I also feel like it's only going to be a waste of time,"  
  
Ohno's mouth was instantly peppering kisses along the line of his jaw while he murmured, "Then don't," Ohno said, "Or you can get angry at me and then punish me if you want. Just -- just not too much and don't tell me to leave or something. Let's just hug it away, or we can do more than hug if that would make you feel better, but just. Don't make me go away again, Kazu," Ohno whispered, his tone sounded miserable again. "I -- please, not that; never again, you promised,"  
  
Shit, this was really messed up but he couldn't see himself wanting that, not anymore at least. Not after getting this after so long, and especially not after he realized he'd never been so alive aside from when he was inside the cradle of Ohno's arms.  
  
"Don't be stupid, Oh-chan," he said, turning inside Ohno's arms so he could hug Ohno back just as fiercely, leaning up to catch Ohno's mouth into a deep kiss they were moaning into each other's mouth when they pulled apart to breath. "That's not going to happen, never. You're stuck with me forever and whatever stupidity we both pulled now and for the days to come, we'd have to live with it together. That's how it is and that's how it's going to be from now on. Deal with it," he said, punctuating his words with kisses that Ohno was readily returning with equal intensity.  
  
"Oh, thank heavens," Ohno exclaimed dramatically, pushing him back down to the bed and covering his body with Ohno's own.  
  
"Let's thank them later," he murmured, pulling Ohno's face down for a kiss. "You have things to take care of, namely, me,"  
  
Ohno laughed into his mouth and he did, too, happy and content, alive and vibrating with the force of his love as it threatened to overflow.  
  
But it's okay. Ohno was there to catch everything that would spill for him. And he was staying.  
  
That's more than enough.


	19. Epilogue

“I wonder why I was making that face,” he pointed at the photo of himself, frowning, because really, he couldn’t remember why the shot was only showing just a portion of his face and presumably Nino’s thumb jammed inside his mouth. “And, wait, was that your finger shoved in my mouth there? I really can’t remember this,”  
  
Nino huffed, slapping him lightly across his forehead. “If it wasn’t, I’m sure whoever owned it would be missing a finger now,”  
  
He looked up to find Nino flipping the page of his journal, he’s on number five now, with that now all-too-familiar solemn look on his face. He shifted without dislodging his head from pillowing Nino’s lap, turning a little so he could dig his nose into the fabric of Nino’s t-shirt.   
  
“Why are we re-reading this again anyway?” he mumbled, though he already knew the answer to that. He just didn’t like it when he had to see the ghost of yesterday’s pain on Nino’s face whenever he had to go through his memories all over again because well, it goes without saying that seeing Nino like that pained him, too.   
  
But Nino had his reasons, however silly they were, though he mostly didn’t agree on them. Nino said he didn’t want to forget the reasons why they fell apart before, because he didn’t want to make the same mistakes again, that if he kept reminding himself of the pain he had to go through before because of his stupidity, then it wouldn’t happen again.   
  
And really, he had given up trying to reassure Nino everytime that no, they surely weren’t going to screw up this time and that yes, they love each other so much to allow that; he just sort of resigned himself to showing Nino he meant every word he said instead. And so far, well, it hadn’t failed him.   
  
But it surely didn’t mean he liked it when Nino was like this, quiet and stiff, beating himself up with the ghost of his remembered pain.  
  
Getting back together after a year of being apart wasn’t all that easy, to be honest, but they’ve managed. They’ve been living together for more than two years now and re-reading Nino’s journal every year became like a yearly occasion of some sort for them. Which was honestly enjoyable if the only journal they’re supposed to be reading were the ones who had the detailed descriptions of their many bedroom encounters – at least the same as what he had been reading just a few minutes ago.  
  
“Kazu,” he called, tugging on Nino’s hand to put them on his hair, before plucking the journal out of Nino’s grasp to set it aside. “Hey,”  
  
Nino looked down but his eyes seemed so far away. “Oh-chan,”  
  
He pulled himself upright and sat next to Nino, folded his legs underneath him before he reached over to pull Nino in. He had his hand around the back of Nino’s neck in no time, tilting Nino’s face up and kissing Nino hard on the mouth.  
  
He meant it to be rough, coaxing, because he wanted to wipe that miserable look off Nino’s face by letting Nino know he was there with him. But it was hard, considering the fact that Nino had all but let himself fall back to the couch, and kissing him back softly, tenderly.  
  
When he pulled back, he realized Nino’s eyes were misty and his lips were red and bruised. He reached down to slide a thumb across Nino’s lower lip and ducked down to rest his forehead against Nino’s.  
  
“You said the reason we are reading them is because we need to reminisce the old times,” he told Nino, soft and knowing, stroking Nino’s cheek as he breathed words into Nino’s skin. “But you’re not reminiscing, Kazu,” he said, “You’re beating yourself up about something that happened in the past, and I – I hate seeing you doing that to yourself,”  
  
“Satoshi –“  
  
“The journals are there to remind us what we  _almost_  lost, okay? A _lmost_  because we found each other again,” he said, dipping low to catch Nino’s  mouth again, then, “We’re here, we’re together and we will stay that way, forever if it’s okay with you. Unless you grow tired of me, unless you wake up one morning and you found out you no longer –“  
  
“Don’t be stupid, Oh-chan,” Nino huffs, cutting him off with bite on his chin. “I didn’t –“ Nino paused here, reaching up to trace the line of his jaw with his fingertips. “I’m sorry,” Nino whispered, “I just – it’s a little difficult to go through them and not feel anything, you know?”  
  
“So let’s stop reading them,” he said, pushing Nino’s bangs away from his eyes. “or at least those that held those stupid, sad memories. We can just read the ones with the, you know, fun entries?”  
  
Nino rolled his eyes at him, one hand reaching behind him to pinch one of his butt cheeks. “It doesn’t work that way,”  
  
“Why not?” he asked, though he had his face dipped against Nino’s breastbone and he was licking his way inside the collars of Nino’s shirt. “It’s not like its compulsory, reading them, I mean,” he mumbled, reaching the center of Nino’s chest and shoving Nino’s shirt aside, bearing more of the silky skin underneath.  
  
“Are you trying to make me agree with your suggestion with your hand down my pants?” Nino asked, amused. He raised his head and grinned at Nino.  
  
“My hand’s up here still,” he pointed out, “but if you’re suggesting, I can –“  
  
Nino reached up then to take his face in between Nino’s hands. “I just don’t want to screw things up again, Oh-chan,” Nino said, completely serious, his voice trembling even. “I barely got by that year thinking I’ve lost you forever. So I refuse to take that road again, if I can help it,”  
  
“You won’t,” he said, kissing Nino fast. “We won’t, okay? I already promised you that, why won’t you believe me?”  
  
“I do believe you,” Nino countered, holding his face firmly in place. “It’s me I am worried about, okay?”  
  
“Nino –“  
  
“Oh-chan, I’m a walking disaster and both of us know that. There’s only so much you can take from someone like me, I know, because most of the time, even I ended up hating myself for being like this. I am going to screw up and then I’ll end up driving you away again, and reminding myself of the pain I suffered during those times we weren’t together is my sort-of twisted way of warning myself not to go down that road again. And I’ve succeeded so far, haven’t I? So just, I don’t know, let me do this coping up thing by myself and you do whatever it is you always do,”  
  
He shook his head and turned to nuzzle Nino’s hand. “It doesn’t have to be like that, you know?” he said, propping himself up on his elbows and leaning down briefly to kiss the tips of Nino’s nose.   
  
Then he bent forward to grab the journal he was reading before he saw Nino’s face, and pushing Nino up to sit before he sat next to Nino.   
  
“We can do this,” he said, grabbing one of Nino’s hands and threading their fingers together before he placed the journal over their folded knees before opening it to the page he had bookmarked.   
  
“Satoshi –“  
  
He squeezed their joined hands and leaned sideways to kiss the side of Nino’s mouth, the mole on Nino’s chin before kissing Nino full on the mouth.  
  
“Together,” he said, tugging at Nino’s hand and letting Nino rest his head against his shoulder as he flipped the pages. “I’m not going to let you wallow on your past miseries alone,” he said, “Because I was there, too.  We’re doing it together or we burn the journals into ashes so you won’t have to be reminded of it every single time; your choice,”  
  
He felt Nino stiffened against him, squeezing their fingers tighter.  
  
“I’m not as strong as you are, Oh-chan,” Nino whispered, “and I’m scared I’d –“  
  
“Two years and counting, Kazu,” he whispered back, fingering the photo of himself and Nino as he kissed Nino’s neck. “All you have to do is trust us when we say we can make it better this time around, and we’ve managed that so far, yeah?”  
  
“Hm, I think so, yes,”  
  
He smiled and lifted their joined hands to drop a soft kiss against the back of Nino’s palm.  
  
“Or we can make new memories,” he said, flipping yet another page to see the photo of himself spread naked on Nino’s bed. Nino giggled against him when he saw the photo himself and was leaning in to meet him when he did the same.  
  
“New memories, huh?” Nino whispered into his mouth as they let the journal escaped their grasp until it hit the floor.   
  
“Hot, filthy and sexy memories, preferably,” he said, grinning into Nino’s mouth as he angled his head and kissed Nino thoroughly, one hand reaching over the nearest side table to grab his phone.  
  
Nino laughed into his mouth when his phone clicked, coaxing Nino's mouth open as he pressed closer, his phone camera shutting a few more times before he let it fall, cupping Nino's jaw and kissing Nino thoroughly.   
  
New memories it is, then.


End file.
